My name is Kendra, and I know a great many things.
I make a mean bloody mary. I am great at spelling (last week I spelled Mount Kilimanjaro correctly on the first try – true story) and a certifiable grammar whiz. I scored well above average on the ACT and can type over 80 words per minute. I can open most jars, and reach things on very tall shelves.
Basically, I’m pretty knowledgable about a lot of things in life.
But one of the things that I know literally nothing about, is The Bachelor.
I’ve tried to get into the show that I so affectionately call, “America’s Hunger Games” but…I just can’t. I get uncomfortable for the people who can’t hold their liquor, am very frustrated by the lack of challenges for prizes, and genuinely loathe all of the catchphrases. (ie: “She’s not here for the right reasons!” or “I’ve just never felt this way before!”) I watched two episodes of The Bachelor in Paradise today and I gotta be honest, I just don’t think it’s for me.
Enter: My best friend Ari.
Ari is everything I am not.
She is warm, she is kind. She is romantic. She is gluten-free. And she knows about The Bachelor.
Apparently, there was gentleman on this show who was pretty great.
And his name, is Wells Adams.
Now. I gotta say, when I heard that people were saying there was someone arguably normal on The Bachelor, I was MORE than skeptical. Someone genuine, with a real job, no drinking problem, and minus a Fit Tea sponsorship was on THIS show? I didn’t buy it.
But the more I learned (aka: internet stalked) the more I was sold.
This Wells Adams, seems like a pretty great guy.
Which leads us here.
Ari has recently been tweeting up a storm about auditioning for the next season of The Bachelor. And apparently, Wells is going to be on the hurricane that is Bachelor in Paradise.
So from me to both of you:
Stop messing around with reality TV and just fall in love already.
I said at the beginning of this article that I know a great many things. And while one of these things is NOT the shows hosted by love novelist extraordinaire, Chris Harrison. It UNARGUABLY is: match making.
So, Wells Adams. If you’ve read this far, here are all of the reasons why you should date my best friend.
Let’s face it: you’re both p. much hipster AF.
You: Radio jockey with beanies, typewriters, and Raybans.
Her: Spoken word poet with a record player, obsession with Larry David, and also – Raybans.
You both definitely have a vinyl collection and have WITHOUT a doubt said, “Their first album was better.” You’re both undeniable lil’ hipsters and you just deserve to walk hand in hand down a cobblestone road talking about Bukowski or some shit together. Make it happen.
You both look great in hats.
Granted, you usually seem to be rocking a beanie and it looks damn good. But you both look great in hats and that, I think, is v. v. important. Why? Because it’s a sign that you’ve got style. And sorry but style is important. You don’t want to end up with a girl who’s been shopping at The Gap since 2009. I’m sorry but you just don’t.
You’re both super active.
You: Marathons (apparently.)
Her: Falling off the treadmill while listening to musicals.
But in all seriousness you’re both active people. If you were dating someone like me I’d just be like “yo, wanna see what happens when we put doritos on pizza?” and while it’d be charming at first, eventually you would realize how gross I am. You and Ari could like…hike and shit together. That’s the sign of true love. Hiking.
You both love a solid polaroid.
Not only does this reinforce the hipster thing (like WE GET IT. You are both so quirky and so misunderstood and so adorable. Congrats.) but it also shows how nostalgic you both are. You are into preserving memories and great film and don’t easily forget about the “good times.”
Excuse me while I barf in the corner from too much cute.
You’re both ~*artsy*~
You: Musician. TV Heartthrob. General cool kid.
Her: Poet. Writer. Twitter Genius.
Come on, Wells. Do you REALLY see yourself ending up with someone who isn’t at least a little creative? And by creative I don’t mean she happened to be a brunette in a sea of blondes. Let me answer for you, no. No you don’t. You need to be with someone who gets the arts, who’s involved in that scene. BUT you probably shouldn’t be with another musician because that’s just weird and competitive and awkward. ENTER A WRITER. It’ll be fun, I swear.
YA BOTH LOVE ANIMALS.
Nuff. Freakin. Said.
Okay this brings me to my actual motivation here. Listen, Wells. I want you and Ari to find love and all, and I genuinely hope it’s with each other. But I think your dog is cool AF and I would really like to pet him.
So whatdya say, Wells? You and Ari go out, see a band, talk about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness – and I’ll dog sit. You guys will make a connection and see sparks fly, and I’ll take a billion selfies with Carl.
Sound like a plan? I think it does.
I’ll be waiting.
(And no not with a rose joke like you were hoping for. I told you I don’t watch the fucking Bachelor.)