What Your Preferred Method Of Masturbation Says About You

Kiele Twarowski
Kiele Twarowski

Au Natural

You’ve absolutely referred to your bits as a food related item aaaat least once. You’re a little bit old fashioned and nostalgic, and probably are afraid of change to a certain extent. You sleep in designated pajamas instead of some gross ass t-shirt and definitely have a Pinterest board dedicated to interior design that is filled with white walls and text art of inspirational quotes. You probably describe your fashion sense as “classic”, are always on time, and the idea of even TALKING about masturbation makes you giggle.

A Good Old Fashioned Vibrator

You’re definitely comfortable with your sexuality, but there’s still a lot you could probably learn. That being said, you know what you like and you’re not afraid to admit it. When everyone else is trying new trends for the Insta, you’re happy and content to stick with ordering the same food you always get and not even snap a picture. You are all about routine, and don’t like inefficiency. You definitely have road rage and get annoyed at people in coffee shops who get to the counter without knowing what they want.

A Vibrator With Allllll The Bells And Whistles

Omg you’re such a Samantha. You tell everyone that you’ve had sex in public, but really you and your boyfriend just went out into the backyard and finger-banged a little. You lied about how young you were when you lost your virginity to look cool, and have learned a lot about what turns you on from reading Harry Potter fanfiction. You’re always the center of attention and feel very threatened when someone might be funnier than you.

Humping A Pillow

You’ve been single juuuuuust a little too long. You’re probably at the point in a dry spell where you’re actually afraid of sexual contact with another human being. Your most serious relationship is with Postmates. You definitely have at least four dating apps on your phone and your bio either includes “looking for my partner in crime” or a song lyric. You’ve definitely cried to “All Too Well” or a Dashboard Confessional music video at 2:30 AM before.

It Has To Include A Butt Plug

You 100% have commitment issues.

A Non-Sex Toy

If you diddle yourself using something like a vibrating toothbrush or a back massager, you clearly got a little too into your own head when you found it at Target or Bed Bath and Beyond. You’re way too concerned about what other people think of you and ask “are they mad at me???” about 12 times a day. You take it very personally if someone un-friends you on Facebook or un-follows you on Twitter. And worse? You’re getting upset just thinking about it right now.

Using A Fleshlight

You are probably smarter than most people give you credit for, but it’s because you’re pretty weird and often misunderstood. You’ve been the cause of more than one awkward silence in your lifetime…hell you cause more than one a day. You probably got a little too addicted to WOW at some point in your life. It’s fine, we all go through dark period.

A Routine You Follow With ZERO Variation.

You probably have a very professional job that you kick ass at. You have a “take no prisoners” kind of attitude. You would probably propose to someone by saying, “Should we just do this?” and then drive to the courthouse the next day. When people describe you, it’s with a healthy amount of respect and fear — which you totally love.

You Don’t. You Just Don’t.

You’re a fucking liar. I bet you don’t pee in the shower either.🆗🆒

The Shower Head

You probably live with roommates and spoiler alert: they hate you for how much you hog the bathroom. You probably have read receipts turned on on your phone and then LIE after not responding to someone with an “omg i totally missed that text lol” excuse. You don’t even think twice before eating the last piece of pizza or taking the last lime La Croix in the fridge. Because you’re a monster. Thought Catalog Logo Mark


Keep up with Kendra on Instagram, Twitter and kendrasyrdal.com

More From Thought Catalog