What I Imagine ‘The Bachelor’ Is Like Having Never Seen A Single Episode

The Bachelor Facebook
The Bachelor Facebook

I have a confession to make.

I, Kendra Syrdal, being of American blood and fully in possession of a female centered identity and a television, have never watched The Bachelor.

I know, I know.

When The Bachelor premiered in 2002 I was but an impressionable preteen. It would have been all to easy for me to become enamored with the idea of a bunch of women looking for love and finding it through the help of ABC and a bunch of long stemmed, red roses. But I was more interested in reading Harry Potter fanfiction and watching whatever was on AFTER The Bachelor (probably CSI tbqh) to pay attention.

As the years have gone by I just never fell under the Bachelor or Bachelorette’s spell. I generally get that it’s about love and dating and white wine. And I always know when it’s Bachelor season because my Twitter feed blows the eff up with various gifs of girls in gowns crying and rose emojis. Also because my friends who once were down for a Monday happy hour “have to be home to watch.”

It’s the American Hunger Games! I get it. I truly, truly do.

Except…I don’t.

So here’s what I assume The Bachelor is like…even though I have never watched it and honestly, never intend to.

beetlejuice

This seems like the kind of show that umbrella moms watch with their single daughters to point out that if someone as batshit as Taylor or Ashley or whoever is making out with America’s Most Eligible on the screen can make out with that dude, they should sure as hell be able to find a man. And then said single girl goes onto Tinder and Hinge and Bumble and just wonders WTF is wrong with her because she SHOULD be able to find a man. Is it supposed to improve our self-esteem because at least we’re not THAT crazy, or drive us further into single madness until we audition and end up BEING the girl with mascara tears after getting eliminated?

The show is about dating…but it’s a reality show, and arguably, a COMPETITION reality show. So there should be some sort of challenge element to it, right? Like they have to do trivia or some sort of relay race involving bikinis and that determines who gets to go on a date with the Bachelor right?

No? They don’t compete or do anything? So…what do they do all day?

Lemme guess. They drink, wear a lot of tank tops, have those Lauren Conrad “beach waves” that I can never master, and try to get a lot of attention.

Huh.

So it’s a bunch of girls sitting around getting drunk and just hoping someone asks them out? Sounds like a typical Thursday imo.

But they all have to live together?

Seriously?

20 drunk women who are probably just eating lettuce unless a camera is on are vying for one guys attention AND they have to bunk up?!

That sounds like a bomb waiting to go off.

Really. That sounds like what Ryan Murphy was subtly trying to show with Scream Queens. That many women are simply not mean to cohabit under the same roof. ESPECIALLY when they’re all thirsty for the same guy. All that’s going to end up with is someone getting scratched. If they have phones I would really like to see the screenshots of them all talking shit about each other.

And let’s be honest. The only way it’s interesting to watch someone else’s date is if it’s a BAD date. I don’t want to watch two people get along and talk about the classes they took in college that didn’t pertain to their major but were still “totally fun.” I want to watch people realize that one of them is voting for Sanders and one is a raging Trump supporter over bottomless pasta bowls at Olive Garden. THAT is entertainment.

I think I’m still missing the point. So there’s no Survivor challenges, just lots of romantic dates, twinkle lights, and women trying to hold their liquor?

No. Come on. There’s gotta be more than that!

Has anyone ever died? Who gets arrested? Someone ALWAYS got arrested on The Real World and it was the besssssttttt. I mean girls crying and saying the typical reality show phrases like, “I’m not HERE to make friends”  or, “I gave up so MUCH for this” can only go on for so long…right?

Wait. I know.

It’s clearly all about seeing a bunch of hot people flirting and then having sex and hopefully not turning their microphones off before getting it on.

Oh…it’s NOT? They aren’t supposed to have sex, just be there “for the right reasons” whatever those may be, all WHILST keeping their size 0 jeans on? And a girl got hella shamed for boning “too early” once!?

Yeah, I’m out. TC mark

I asked women to be honest about their Instagram photos

“The essays in this book are short and sweet, and incredible. Love love loved this.” — Alex

“I’m so in love with this book! It’s so moving and some of the stories bring me to tears not because it’s sad, but because it’s relatable and shows that we’re not alone.” — Kendra

This is the reality of Instagram...

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