Bloody Mary Mix.
I know you bought that Michael Kors bag at T.J. Maxx but you lie to your friends and say you went to Nordstrom to treat yourself. You want it to look like you’re enjoying your flight by getting sufficiently buzzed at a casual 30,000 feet, but you’d never pay $8 for a cocktail. You probably also attempted to shove a full sized suitcase packed to the brim with brand ambiguous jeans and blouses from the Gap into the overhead bin, before a stewardess begrudgingly offered to gate check it for you. I bet if I went through your junk drawer in your apartment I’d find several stacks of Bed Bath and Beyond coupons stashed away because, “They never expire!” Also…those rings are turning your fingers green and you need to love yourself.
You are either flying to Hawaii or you want everyone to know that you are here to party. I bet you’re the kind of person that offers to buy all three people in your row shots after you guys get off the plane. You were definitely everyone’s favorite in your sorority or frat and you still talk about the time that you talked your way out of an MIP or a DUI by just being charming. If you don’t own at least one piece of total American flag print clothing I’m A) shocked and B) disappointed.
You’re classic and level headed. You probably actually have a savings account that you don’t dip into every time you pass a Lush in a mall. You’re just here to keep inside your space, read whatever novel you found on the $4.99 table at Barnes and Noble, and not fight over the shared arm rest. Or you’re going to puke in which case, get the hell away from me.
Coca Cola But Like…In The Can Not The Cup.
We get it. You know that these airlines just “rip you off!!!” and you’re not going to stand for it. I’m so happy for you that you got an extra sip of that shit that they use to clean up blood from highways. You’re probably also going to watch an in flight movie without headphones because you won’t spring for the $2 pair they offer and you’re going to ask your seat-neighbor what’s happening every five minutes because she was smart enough to not lose the free pair Apple provided her with. Basically you’re a monster, and I bet your kids are really embarrassed of you.
Just A Cup For My Green Juice, Thanks.
Oh go fuck yourself.
Seriously do you have to make everyone feel inferior all the time? It’s a plane, not a planet fitness and you need to loosen up a little. Let me guess, if I look at your boarding pass I’m going to see a hot ‘LAX’ as your final destination? I bet I am. Someday it’s going to come out that Evolution Fresh used baby tears or something in those juices and I’m going to laugh at you.
Sorry. Five and a half.
Three White Wines.
I like your style. You know that it’s better to order in bulk rather than wait for Mindy to give out all of her free cookies and pretzels to make it back to your for round two. You’re just here to sit back, get your tipsy on, and watch all of the episodes of Masters of Sex you preemptively downloaded in anticipation of this trip. You also are probably wearing Ugg slippers and leggings and honestly, I respect you.
A Sea Breeze.
Where the hell do you think you are? Dave and Busters? Olive Garden? Red Robin? She’s a flight attendant, not a probably underage bartender who has to put up with your bullshit! There’s no drink special and you’re annoying. You’re probably going to get too drunk on something else and end up sitting on the baggage carrier and hurting yourself when it starts moving. But don’t worry, I will be there to Snapchat the whole thing.
Diet Coke. No Ice.
You’re probably the person that dabs the grease off of your pizza and when that article came out proving that that was actually right you passive aggressively shared it on Facebook. You biggest accomplishment in life is a gym selfie that got 200 likes on Instagram. You think anyone with a BMI that’s above 22 should have been forced to buy two tickets for the plane.
Just Tonic Water.
You are either the weirdest person ever or you read that Buzzfeed post about being legally able to bring your own mini bottles on a plane and you’re about to get your G&T on. Fun fact: it’s illegal to open a container on a plane without being a licensed flight attendant. So yeah…they’re gonna bust you. And then I’m going to have to listen to you mutter obscenities while I’m just trying to watch Sleeping With Other People.
If it were legal, you would have brought a keg onto this aircraft. You really want to challenge the pilot to a shotgun contest, don’t you? I’m right? I’m right.
Do You Guys Have Baja Blast?
No. This isn’t Taco Bell and you need to stop kicking the seat in front of you every time you fuck up on that level of Digimon or whatever you’re playing on that scratched as hell DS. You’re clearly at least 22 it’s time to grow up.