I am used to the sounds of clothes being shuffled back on at 3 AM. You don’t need to tiptoe around the hardwood for fear of waking me up. I’m already awake and just silently remaining still, waiting for the door to close behind you. Waiting for you to be gone so I can pull pillows that you had claimed to be yours while you were here back to me. I’ll hold them close to my chest to fill the inevitable void that you will leave.
I can’t complain or throw a fit about the fact that you’re already pulling your arms through your sleeves. I didn’t invite you to curl up in my bed when you weren’t curled up around me. I didn’t ask you to stay; I didn’t want you to stay. So I don’t get to expect to ask questions about why your clothes are back on when I practically ordered it. Even if those orders were unspoken.
Let’s just face it, shall we? You got exactly what you were after.
I’m not playing the victim because hey, I did too. We both did the same thing so I do not blame you. I sought you out and asked you to serve a certain purpose. I’m not feeling used and abused; I’m not pretending that I didn’t know what this was. But I’m also not going to widen my eyes and feign being surprised when you don’t want to stay and make me an actual person.
I get it.
You don’t need to act like something you’re not, like we’re something we’re not. We both know what this was.
There are so many people out there these days who look at sex and try to make it something it isn’t. They try to connect the dots and form something magical. They make something out of nothing. They try to link up oxytocin and dopamine and all of these chemical reactions for how, for why you are feeling this way.
For how and why I might watch you pull that Target Brand cotton down over your shoulder-blades and wish you would stay. For how and why I stare at my phone at 1:47 AM and wish that you were still awake. For how and why I linger in my bathroom and avoid showering because if I sit perfectly still, I can smell your fingers in my hair and your lips along the tops of my shoulders.
But there is no need to wonder about the how and the why. Because you aren’t staying; your shirt is already over your head and your shoes are sliding onto your feet. There’s no need for watching my phone because slowly but surely the screen will stop lighting up with your name. I need to stop avoiding the inevitable and let the water wash away every trace of you that is eating away at my skin.
Because I asked for this. And you’re just giving me what I want.
Now that we have slept together you are free to go. I will not beg you to stay and cry over the door closing with you on the other side. I will hold my head high and realize the part that I played in creating the dynamic that is you and me. I will not blame you or cry over you or curse your name; I will just watch you go.
I will do you a favor and not make a scene. I will watch you disappear from my life quietly and only mention you with a sort of smile when other people bring you up. I will not text you when I drink too much and wish you were in my bed late at night. I’ll let you go.
I’ll let you go.