1. The number on the scale.
So long as you are healthy and happy, who cares? There are so many factors that can have an effect on what you weigh and it in no way correlates to how you look or feel. Repeat after me: your worth is not your weight. It’s just a number, a combination of digits, a pixilated picture on a stupid glass thing from Target, and it does not define you.
2. Likes, Favorites, Retweets, and everything in between.
Do yourself a favor. Put down your fucking phone and stop obsessing over how many people have commented on that filtered shot of your happy hour treats. You know what you should actually be losing your chill over? How damn delicious that fried mac and cheese tastes– not the validation because you happened to awkwardly take an above angle shot of it. Be in the moment and you will in turn be a calmer, more balanced, (and probably less hungry) person.
3. Where we are vs. Where we thought we’d be.
Believe me, I know it’s easier said than done. It can be really overwhelming to look at your life and compare it to where idealistic, doe-eyed, 18-year-old you thought you would be. But the fact of the matter is no journey is alike or predictable so there’s no use dwelling. It can be nice to reflect but you cannot let it spiral to being disappointed in something you can’t change. You will get to a place you are proud of. It might not be tomorrow, but it will happen.
4. How we really look when “we woke up like dis.”
Come on…even Queen B put on some cover up, okay? And besides, I guarantee there is someone out there who doesn’t give a damn about your morning hair or mascara leftovers. They just want to wake up with you.
5. Why someone isn’t texting us back.
You know how a watched pot never boils? Well a watched iPhone never notifies. Step away from the iMessage and breathe.
6. Our followings or lack thereof on social media.
Say it with me. Social. *clap* Media. *clap* Means. *clap* Nothing. It can be cool but in the long run, nobody is going to be putting their follower count on their tombstone. What would you rather have? 2500 people who MIGHT laugh at your joke on Twitter or 5 ride or die friends who will go to the baseball fields with you even though sports aren’t their thing? Take your pick, but 2500 followers aren’t going to hold your beer when you have to yell at the pitcher for throwing a shitty fastball.
7. Why we’re single.
You are single and fabulous. Exclamation point.
8. Why we aren’t married if we’re in a relationship.
That’s one more finger you can put cute ass stacker rings onto.
9. The weather.
You chose to live where you live. Buy and umbrella if it’s raining, a coat if it’s chilly, and take advantage of the sun if it’s shining. But please, for the love of God, stop bitching. Unless you are going through a Polar Vortex – then you have a hall pass.
10. Whether or not someone bangs on the first date.
It’s none of your business unless they’re coming onto you. And you know what? If it’s not your thing you don’t have to do it. But regardless of your feelings surrounding quick to the draw sex it doesn’t give you the right to judge them. What they do with their bits and how they bend their legs and when is up to them.
11. What someone’s booze/night out preferences are.
Shut up with the craft beer shaming and the eye rolls when someone asks for a vodka cran. You don’t win a prize for preferring IPAs with the consistency of stew or drinking straight whiskey while quoting Hemingway. And if they like to down those PBRs on the couch and you frequent hipster bars every Friday through Sunday, congrats! But don’t be a buzz kill. You will get called out eventually and it will be embarrassing.
Life is too short to not eat pasta.
13. Anything related to Facebook stalking.
We all do it so if you’re going to take the dive, you have to own it. You also have to recognize your crazy and keep a level head if you find something you don’t like. First rule of Facebook stalking is not losing your mind over the things you dig up. That’s not in the cards? Call up Mark Zuckerberg and ask him to block your ability to go all Nev Schulman on people. Or you know…just don’t.
14. Stretch marks and cellulite.
We all have them and if you don’t now, someday you will. Just embrace it as part of your body doing exactly what it’s supposed to do – shift and grow and carry you through life.
15. What our ex is up to.
It might take months, it might take years, but eventually you need to accept that they are no longer in your life so, frankly, it’s none of your business. And yeah, that’s a tough pill to swallow. But they are not yours anymore. So move on. Don’t worry about who they are with or aren’t, where they move to or don’t. Just let them go. It’s healthier.
16. That brunch we weren’t invited to.
God dammit, people are enjoying bottomless bubbles and omelets without you. That sucks. But so what? Go have expensive eggs by yourself and do not ever let FOMO be a thing that ruins your day.
17. Pretty much everything.