1. Quality friends are not a part of a collection. There’s this weird pedestal I didn’t know we were competing to stand on that is labeled “Look at me! I know everybody!”
“Oh Ryan? Yeah I do shots with him like all the time. We’re tight.”
“Stephanie is my GIRL. She DMed me months ago and now we know everything about each other.”
“Chelsea and Michael are HASHTAG relationship goals. I talk to them every day and seriously aspire to be everything they are.”
The fact of the matter is: people are not for your weird, American Horror Story doll collection. (And if they are please seek help now.) Your real friends are people you surround yourself with because they make you feel good about yourself and, in turn, a better person. If you’re only being seen with or socializing with someone to look cool you need to get your head out of your stuck-in-high-school ass and grow up. Nobody cares anymore. And if they do they probably smell like Abercrombie Fierce and the belief that pulling out actually worked.
2. No one needs a stadium to hear about their problems. Unless you are Carrie Bradshaw – who literally had 5 friends and them to the point of an almost 5150 by whining – I don’t really want to hear it. If your issues are so big they are longer than the September edition of Vogue and render you complaining to more than a fistful of people, you need to reevaluate. If you have solid, valuable friends you should be able to recognize that you have a roof, a couch, Trader Joe’s, and merlot that costs eleven dollars. Your problems are not that unmanageable.
3. The social media game in not forever. To a certain extent, we all do it. We get a weird little ego boost upon hitting that “eleventh like” on Instagram or being retweeted with a joke we patted ourselves on the back for coming up with. But those 2000 followers don’t translate to real friendship and eventually, will not matter anymore. Think about it. Are your favorite memories the ones you spent raking in favorites and likes while staring at a computer screen? No, no they are not. So don’t live for the likes, live for the people making FUN of you for being way too into it.
4. Acquaintances are a dime a dozen. Anyone can say hi to you on the street and make plans to “totally get coffee and catch up soon.” Anyone can Snapchat you a picture of their brunch with the caption “Cheat Day!!!” But real friends are THERE for the moments, the brunch, the coffee. And anyone can have a billion acquaintances never following up with plans or snapping them back. Wouldn’t you rather have someone actually eating with you and snapping you weird faces from the bathroom? I know I would.
5. True friendship is about taking care of each other. Everyone has experienced one-sided friendship and typically, it comes from those groups of friends where actual closeness is not high on the list of importance. Collecting friends because of FOMO will most likely end with you having bar tabs you shouldn’t have spent money on, with little to nothing else from those nights except a hangover and puke in your hair because no one gave a damn when you got sick. It will end with you being stressed at work and not having anyone to really talk to about it. It will end with you feeling more alone than ever because instead of taking care of you, they were only taking care of themselves.
6. That “one is silver and the other gold” song was bullshit. Your new friends and your old friends are not in some strange “separate but equal” equation. If they’re real friends they’re real friends. End of story.
7. Real honesty takes time. Someone you’re only “friends” with because you somehow always end up in the same bathroom at parties is not going to tell you not to text your ex. Someone you’re only “friends” with because she likes using your apartment rooftop for Instagrams is not going to cut you off before you take that whiskey shot because she knows it makes you mean. Someone you’re only “friends” with because of convenient circumstance isn’t going to tell you your romper is coming unzipped because at the core of it, they probably don’t care.
8. Encouragement, inspiration, and motivation. Quality friends provide these and more. Quantity friends can’t spell any of these words or are too worrying about what they look like to others to worry about it. Quality friends don’t let you settle and be a C- version of yourself. Quantity friends don’t care where you end up on the scale as long as they are ahead. Quality friends will call you on your shit. Quantity friends will let you step in it.
9. One word. Longevity. Are you still texting that girl from college who somehow always ended up cooking at your place and never doing dishes? No. Because dime a dozen friends simply don’t last. If you focus on having a massive group of friends rather than people who actually have your back, in five years you’ll be repeating the same cycle.
10. Because…well…duh. Enough said. Now go text those people who know will actually tell you when you’re being an asshole and always be there for you no matter how seemingly dumb the problem is and tell them how great they are. They’ll probably make fun of you, but they still deserve to hear it.