How To Get Drunk Alone

Soak in your own denial about what you’re doing. Justify it rather than just shrugging it off. You had a hard week, you just don’t feel like going out, you’ve earned this. Think about whether or not this an acceptable activity for someone to do, weighing it like pros and cons. If you were moping and downing snickerdoodle ice cream you’d be “adorably sad” but replace the Ben and Jerry’s with Barefoot and suddenly you aren’t so sure what you are.

Feel sorry for yourself. Think about ex boyfriends, or pets you and your mom buried in the backyard when you were little, or how you live paycheck to paycheck when friends are buying property and just get completely bummed out. Click through Snapchats of people who are in groups, posing and showing off their good sides and feel sad about the fact that the only thing to hold in your hand is a fourth glass of wine that you know you didn’t need in the first place.

Make yourself the punchline. Take pictures of your overfilled glass and caption it, “Party of one, party of fun” to make everyone shake their heads at how ridiculous you are. It’s not drinking alone; it’s funny. It’s singing loudly along to Kate Nash and not worrying about your neighbors hearing because you are the hysterical girl next door with no insecurities, nothing to be ashamed of. If you can make other people laugh at your own expense maybe the joke will eventually hit you too.

Look for familiarity. Re-watch movies you know every word to. Seek solace in Netflix and DVDs and the blue-ish glow of your laptop. Mouth along with Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Linings Playbook and wonder what it’s like to never drink alone when you have bodyguards and famous boyfriends and Buzzfeed articles about how everyone wants to be your best friend. Wonder what it’s like for the entire world to want to sit on the couch with you. Wonder if there is anyone out there who wishes they were actually doing that with you, right now.

Reject people. Ignore your phone and purposely don’t answer text messages with multiple exclamation points and question marks at the end of invitations. Say you’re too tired, have too much work to do, have an early morning. Realize how much a walking, cabernet drinking contradiction you are and get mad at yourself for being this way. But just because you’re mad at yourself doesn’t mean you’ll be taking your phone off of silent.

Take an unnecessary walk down memory lane. Allow your hazy, tipsy self to see people who ghosted on you or rejected you or who never said that they loved you back in places that they really don’t exist in. Make up metaphors for their voice and smile, excuses for their bad behavior, and tell yourself that if things were different and they were still there you most certainly wouldn’t be drinking alone.

Lie. Lie to yourself when you say you’ll only have one glass and stand up drunker than you anticipated being. Lie to your memories when you say that you don’t care anymore and it never crosses your mind. Lie to friends who ask the next morning what you did last night. Lie to your hangover and the stained in your glasses sink and to your life about how you got here in the first place.