1. “This is my natural hair color.”
This is the color I found that was closest to what I think my natural color is, and I’m hoping all of the chemicals I’ve put onto my head over the years have not made me prematurely grey. Fingers crossed!
2. “I haven’t eaten like anything today.”
Except for a Luna bar on the commute to work, a bagel during the morning meeting, two-thirds of Kelsey’s kale salad because she didn’t like the dressing, a cookie because Greg made them for Treat Tuesday and it’s gluten free so that doesn’t count, and a leftover piece of pizza I didn’t even bother to heat up while I was texting you.
3. “I love that color on you.”
That color makes your skin look like baby vomit.
4. “I’m like OCD about cleaning. Like you could lick the floor of my apartment it’s so clean.”
The last time I cleaned the floor of my apartment was when I was wine drunk alone singing Celine Dion songs and I spilled Pinot Noir everywhere. I still find red wine splatters on the inside of my cupboard doors when I open them.
5. “I’m fine.”
Not fine. FUMING. Plotting your social, fiscal, emotional, and physical demise as those two little hate words come spilling out of my perfect Mac-sticked lips.
6. “I’m almost there. I’m like maybe ten minutes away.”
If by ten minutes away I mean I haven’t even left the apartment yet because I’m changing my lipstick color or my top or BOTH for the fourth time, then yes, definitely ten minutes away. But saying that I’m ten minutes away and then showing up in twenty only makes me ten minutes late…at least according to my girl math.
7. “I’ve never done this before.”
I’ve done this at least twelve to seventeen times. Once with one of your frat brothers HEYYOOOOOO.
8. “I think it’s really admirable that you’re still friends with your ex-girlfriend.”
At least I do as long as she stays on the opposite side of the country. I’ll think it’s even MORE admirable if she decided to up and move to Australia and also take up a vow of celibacy because hey, dreaming is good.
9. “Your secret is totally safe with me.”
I’m texting Kaitlyn with this dirt AS SOON AS you get up to go to the bathroom.
10. “I worked out today.”
If by “worked out” we mean I perused the grocery at a leisurely saunter for forty-five minutes before leaving with nothing but dog treats, cookie butter, cauliflower, and a bouquet of sunflowers, then broke a sweat walking said dog because it was hot out and I was in all black after which I stretched my arms and complained about my neck hurting while watching an eighth episode of Sister Wives, then yeah totally…I really busted ass today.
11. “I’m just really focused on my career right now.”
I’m really focused on making the hottie that works three desks over from me notice my legs. I’m also SUPER focused on G-chatting my work BFF gifs of Chris Evans with my own inappropriate commentary and just crossing my fingers that HR never notices. Pretty focused on all of the free coffee and Perrier they provide too. Yep.
12. “I like…rarely use Instagram.”
I take photos throughout the week and save them for occasions in which they MIGHT be ‘Gram-able. I have a “like quota” and if the photo does not reach it I absolutely delete it. My Linkedin profile picture is filtered with Valencia. I would be lost without Instagram.
13. “I love your mom!”
Your mom makes me feel so insecure that I cry about it over midnight french fries at least once a month.
14. “I’m not even that drunk!”
I am two sips away from jumping up on this bar and reenacting “Can’t Fight the Moonlight” from Coyote Ugly. If someone doesn’t get me into a cab soon I will absolutely start making out with a stranger or crying about how much I miss my ex. One of the two, hopefully not both, but sometimes these things are unavoidable.
15. “I’m not like other girls.”