1. The Musician.
Because you didn’t get enough of drinking Miller Lite out of plastic cups in under-lit basement bars when you had to use a fake ID. You hadn’t quiiiiite gotten your fill of dudes arguing about the necessity of Macklemore over a coffee table from Goodwill covered in American Spirit butts so you sit there in your leather jacket even though it’s July pretending to be interested in what they’re saying.
The Musician guy fills that certain void of bad boy and creative that every wandering post-grad-girl is looking for. He reminds you of a simpler time when your disposable camera selfies were on point and your MySpace top 8 was PRIME. You want someone to ignore you in a VFW even though you’re 25? Done; he is THERE for that. You want an endless amount of perfectly worn-in band tees to steal when you’re walk-of-shaming it because you loaned him your cab fare so he could buy a bottle of Evan Williams? You’re welcome, girl. Just don’t take the Queens of the Stone Age one because, like, it’s his fave.
Oh it’s two in the morning and he’s sitting in the living room shirtless plucking out old Death Cab songs on a guitar that’s really out of tune? Be still my heart and be off my pants.
2. The Dropout Who Is “Just like, a semester away from a degree.”
Be. Careful. He is one Sensitive Sally. He will take it very personally when you get your diploma in the mail and start complaining about the alumni association asking you for donations. What you might take for just a normal, harmless joke about avoiding calls regarding student loans can be a brutal reminder for him that he also has those calls, except with nothing to show for it.
Don’t get him a hat with your school colors on it for the game. Don’t talk about the great community colleges in your city. And don’t try to reminisce about Kegs and Eggs or the time you took a Spanish final wasted and wrote out the plot of The Lion King for your essay in flawless Español (actually you could because that was really impressive). He’s just going to make an excuse about being late to mow the lawn and not talk to you again.
You’re already intimidating enough with the whole Lion King deal. Try to stay away from anything that would make you more intimidating.
3. The One With a Podcast.
Oh he manages a coffee shop, has a beard, and eats burritos from the same food truck every day, but his real passion is talking about craft brews into a microphone and editing it for Soundcloud? Awesome. He can just sidle on up to this bar and tell me more about how John Green retweeted him once so he’s like “pretty sure that this is going to take off.”
Podcast Guy is to 2015 as the guy who had his own Zine was to 2007. We get it. He is so hip it hurts. Seriously, my brain is actually hurting from thinking about how much effort he puts into each Instagram picture of pint glasses with a hashtag for his “now available on iTunes” podcast. When he gets a District Lines page with t-shirts that have an obscure inside joke on them it’s time to bow out.
4. The White Collar Guy.
White Collar guy doesn’t want to go to the beer garden where former Musician Boyfriend’s band is playing. He does not want to go anywhere that requires a wristband for entry or a stamp on the hand to be able to walk in and out of the the smoking patio at one’s leisure. White Collar guy indulges in dark liquor that costs more than your internet bill per bottle and activities like “boating” and “speakeasies.” You should probably invest in some simple rings that don’t turn your fingers green and perfume that Rihanna did not make available at Target for your time together.
White Collar Guy is a real grown up…most of the time. He also has an inexplicable love for The Cheesecake Factory and yells borderline racist things every time the two of you are watching soccer together. So even though he makes you feel really immature for having to Google the neighborhood he’s looking to invest in, remember that he absolutely still does not know how to do the laundry. That should help.
5. The Master’s Student.
He’s just “really overwhelmed right now” and “doesn’t have a whole lot of energy to give to anything besides school.” He uses every paper and every lecture as an excuse to ignore you or to be ridiculously distant. If you get into a fight and you’re overreacting about something HOLD THE EFFING PHONE because that is unacceptable. But if he’s being irrational it’s just because “his future PHD candidacy and career rely on being on this professor’s good side. Not that you could POSSIBLY understand because you’ve only been through UNDERGRAD.”
And, as he mutters bitterly about the inaccuracy of every graduate student portrayed on TV from behind his computer screen, you can just say, “Hey buddy, you can go to the library. I’m just trying to watch How I Met Your Mother and maybe have a make out sesh. Oh…too stressed to suck face? Yeah…I think I’m going to go the bar alone and see how many people will pay attention to me there.” And then do it.
6. The One With Family Money.
If you thought you needed nicer clothes for your White Collar Boyfriend, think again because this one has the family to contend with.
His mother is judging you. She is judging the fact that you need to get your roots done, the state of your nail beds, your footwear, your glasses that are obviously from Zenni Optical and not a *real* optometrist. She is sizing up exactly where the family checks could be heading because your womb could potentially house the next generation of McLaughlin’s or whatever their last name is.
He’s totally nice but totally naïve. He is confused that you don’t know how to work an automatic jet ski lift because didn’t everyone grow up with a lake house the size of a small country? He pretty much just wants to play with his car, do shrooms on the weekends, and eat charcuterie plates in bed. Take full advantage of the hot tubs and in-house gym while you can sweetie, you’ve earned it.
7. The One Whose Light Is On.
At first you just thought you had found a really nice guy because he was overly attentive the morning after the first time you hooked up with him. He brought breakfast, showered, and asked if he could help unpack the last of your boxes from moving. But then you start to notice little things. Like the Costco-sized bottle of contact solution he left in your bathroom or how he asked you to pick him up a toothbrush when ran to the bodega for beer and asked if he’d like anything out of courtesy. Then he starts talking about how you and his sister should hang out and how he’s always thought about giving his daughter her name as a middle name.
And then it hits you: you’ve found the guy who wants to settle down. You thought he was a Tinder myth, a legend that girls who have left hand ring fingers just ITCHING to be banded tell each other in order to keep their hope alive. He decided you would do and is doing everything in his power to make you swoon, turn into Rachel McAdams in The Notebook, and fall madly in love.
If you ditch him he will cry. You will need to block his number because you will get endless “Where did you go?” and “I miss you so” texts that will make your ovaries retract.
8. The Drug Dealer.
On the one hand it’s cool because he’s an entrepreneur with a crazy amount of 20s on him at all times. On the other, he’s been sitting on his couch in the same sweatpants for 72 hours watching 1000 Ways to Die eating graham crackers dipped in Nutella.
Yes he’s cute, yes he’s funny. But eventually you decide you want to go outside and do things and he just wants to play Frisbee golf and smoke a blunt. It’s fun for awhile and the free buzz is nice and all, but come tax season or when his apartment gets a walk-through, and suddenly you’ve got a real asshole on your hands.
9. The Manwhore.
He says really “progressive” things about just wanting to experience as many people as he can and that he really loves just getting lost in people during sex but really all he’s saying is that he wants to bang his way across the city and you are just another pit stop. He’ll talk about eventually wanting kids but that’s just a ploy he’s used on girls to try and make them think he’s capable of having feelings so they’ll go down on him once or twice more before he loses interest.
Here’s the thing about the Manwhore: promiscuity has some major benefits — as in, this is going to be a really good time. So use him and abuse him and just keep your wits about you. Let him rock your world a few times but never let him spend the night. Don’t try to wife the Manwhore. It’s not going to happen.