Inner Monologue Of A Straight Girl At A Gay Bar

GIRLS / Amazon.com.
GIRLS / Amazon.com.

Ugh I did not pre-game nearly enough for this shit. Why is there such a long line? And why am I the only girl…oh, that’s right because this is a gay bar. And by gay bar I mean there are like 87 blacklights so there probably won’t even be a lesbian in there that’s going to give me a second look. It’s not even like a “Bachelorette party is here just to dance because #femaleempowerment/#Livingwithmyladies #Live” type of gay bar. This is a full-on twinks, cubs, and bears have-to-pay-a-$12-cover gay bar. And the cover is clearly to support this bouncer who obviously didn’t make it to the final callbacks to be a dancer in Chicago. I don’t know why I always let them drag me here.

Oh this drink is yummy and has a glittery straw. That’s why I let them drag me here.

But why does the bartender have to glare at me! It’s not like I’m trying to get with the tall dude he’s CLEARLY macking on. Don’t worry pal, I’m fully aware that he is not for me. And yeah, I see you giving him those $9 shots for free. Be a dear and slide one of those my way. No? Okay no. Got it. Point and disdain DULY NOTED.

Free glow stick necklaces? Well when in Rome I guess…

He’s hot.

He’s hot.

He’s REALLY hot.

God what a waste.

Not a waste, that was borderline homophobic. Bless you, you beautiful rainbow child and thank you for always telling me you like my hair. You recognize that these barely-curled-curls took a helluva lot of effort on my part. You also are always one of those nice people that helps me zip my romper back up when I can’t do it in the bathroom because there is not a single other girl in there. So you’re not a waste, you’re a blessing of a human being and I cherish your existence.

These drinks are strong; that’s also why I come here. More sparkly drinks please!

Wow I have literally never waited so little time to pee in a girl’s bathroom before. And look at the vanity lighting around the mirror! That’s damn classy. And really beautiful lighting. I should take a selfie, even though it’ll be a mirror selfie and those are kind of the worst. But THE LIGHTING. Just say “prune” like an Olsen Twin. God I’m hot. Okay just a few more selfies. *snap snap snap snap snap snap snap*

Oooo free condoms? Yeah why not; you never know. Maybe I’ll run into the one other straight person in here and we’ll fall madly in love and do it in that empty girl’s bathroom I just left. That’d be a really awesome “how we met” story. “Oh you know, we found each other when we were the only straights at Purr one Friday around midnight and we danced to Lady Gaga all night and knew we were meant to be.” Yeah I can get down to that. That’ll be a good story when I’m on Four Weddings.

Speaking of Gaga, I totally forgot how much of the “Bad Romance” dance I still know. They LOVE me. GAGA OOLALA. That’s right Little Monsters! PAWS EFFING UP.

Who knew there were this many Sam Smith remixes? Jeeze the gays really LOVE that they have Sam now. I mean, his voice is kind of the audible representation of what doughnuts taste like when you put them in the microwave so I kind of get it. But a Techno-Pop version of “Stay With Me”? I don’t know that the world needed that.

Blowjob shots? HELL YEAH. I’m gonna show these boys how it’s DONE. Oh crap there’s whipped cream all over my chin now. Oh well, it’s not like my makeup matters here because no one is looking at me. I also just got royally served in taking those shots. I should ask Chris for pointers later tonight. He clearly knows what to do.

I am so sexy, I am so free! I could dance and swing this glow stick forever!
Oh he’s hot. Oh that’s right; he really doesn’t want to see me with my pants off. Oh well; he’s still really hot. GOOD FOR YOU FOR BEING GORGEOUS. Oh shit I just said that out loud… TC mark

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