1. Any McDonalds salad.
What are you trying to prove? No one is looking; no one cares. You’re the person who probably genuinely believes that places like Subway are “fresh.” You were probably taken to McDonalds against your will and are bitterly eating your $5 salad that you didn’t even want in the first place. You should have just gotten fries so you wouldn’t be so miserable. Too bad, so sad.
2. One of those wrap things.
You’re really bad at eating while driving and you think this wrap thing will lessen the mess. You also probably go to McDonalds too often and this is you “trying something new.” Way to go right up to the line but not cross it! You need to join a book club or something.
3. A big mac.
If you’re trying to be classy at McDonalds, this would be how. You probably always hold the door, even for strangers, and will offer to throw the bag away so it doesn’t end in the bag graveyard on the floor of the car. You’re classic, consistent. You didn’t stress about taking the GREs and your friends probably call you when they need someone to drive them home from the bars.
4. A filet-o-fish.
You are either the trashiest of white trash or a Catholic during Lent.
5. Chicken nuggets.
You really know how to enjoy the little things, even if those little things might only be 4% actual chicken despite what the McHeads of the McCompany would like you to believe. You know the boot is the best nugget shape and you have a Pinterest board full of only inspirational quotes. You also aren’t afraid of batting your eyelashes to get an extra dipping sauce because hey, you’re allowed to treat yourself.
6. Just fries.
You’re either the vegan that tagged along or you’re in an airport and have a really short connection but don’t want to be too hungry so you end up buying ridiculously expensive albeit mediocre airplane food. Or you just recognize the superiority of the McDonalds fry and know that they’re undeniably the best part of being there.
7. A milkshake.
You’re either PMSing, at the last stop on a date and hoping they’ll lick the whipped cream off your finger, or you’re ordering Strawberry because you’re “totally a Carrie.” You still only buy your underwear in the 5 for $26 section at Victoria’s Secret and were just “really good this week.” You’re definitely wearing pastel Nikes.
8. Dollar menu exclusive.
You’re either in college, are high, or both. Why not? You can get five McChickens and eat yourself into hatred in the safety of the parking lot because that is the American way. The Dollar Menu is the perfect way to get an insane amount of food for next to nothing. And then there’s the added bonus of being able to roll around in the wrappers like you’ve just had some dude “make it rain” rap-video-style on you. You may also be trying to start a YouTube channel and are going to do some disgusting eating challenge and, if so, good luck and I hope for your sake you’re under 25 because your body is going to hate you in about three hours.
9. The McRib.
You need to let it go. You do not have to eat something simply because they keep bringing it back. You probably still have “official” Olympic gear like those weird berets from Salt Lake City and frequently wear them to show how much you support America during the Olympics. You really identify with Brad Pitt’s character in Inglourious Bastards even though he was in the movie for approximately twenty minutes. You eat every meal like it might be your last and I don’t mean that as a compliment.
10. Just Diet Coke. Thanks.
Way to make a point that you are so much better than everyone else at McDonalds. You don’t win for drinking zero calories and 100% aspartame. You also may be me during my “skinny phase” during high school and to that I have to say: get over yourself and order a damn sundae. You will look better with a little bit of a butt. I promise.
You are a genius. If you make it to McDonald’s breakfast I feel you have a moral obligation to text your close friends/roommate/office mate and also me to ask if we would like a McGriddle for later. McDonald’s breakfast is always appreciated. You know what is amazing at 2:15 AM after hitting the bars? Reheated McGriddle. You clearly know what’s up and should be my friend.