1. The paralyzing fear of dealing with unpredictable weather.
Is it raining today? Windy? Are we somewhere where it could possibly be humid? All of these factors will determine the products we need to use, which will, in turn, lower the likelihood that our hair will remain presentable. If it’s windy I don’t even chance it and toss all of this hair up in a bun. Windblown elegance is not reality. Messy, fluffy, poodle-looking hair stuck in my sunglasses is.
2. The “less is really, truly more” washing routine.
If we wash our hair on a Monday and the curls are behaving they will not be washed again until Thursday…but probably Friday. Do not ask the science or reason behind it; dirty curls just look better. For me, personally, days three and four are usually the highpoint of the hair days. Plus there’s so much of it and it takes so long to dry…ugh. It’s just not worth the hassle when we can fix it with a bandana and some dry shampoo. Curly-haired girls are really the MacGyvers of hair.
3. The lie that is “I woke up like this (FLAWLESS).”
Let’s ignore the fact that everyone can see your blush and Benefit mascara through their iPhone screen (seriously LOLZ). Also: no, you didn’t. Curls go in literally every direction when I sleep. There is no such thing as beautiful bedhead when your hair has a mind of its own. The woods in Into the Woods were based on my hair post-sleeping. My dad nicknamed morning me Medusa because he wanted to keep me in my place and instill the need for future me to turn my lovers to stone. The hair is a mess…get it?
4. The surprise dreadlocks.
You’ll be sitting somewhere in public, probably on a date, trying to be cute and do the “twirl your hair with your finger” dance when it happens. “What the eff?” You’ll think. Your fingers have become stuck in the back of your head. Two, three, maybe four curls have found each other and decided to bond together even though no one asked them too. And despite the fact that you’ve never been to Burning Man, you have a single, tiny dread just chilling on the back of your head. Dammit.
Here’s what you do. Find a fine tooth comb and smother the sucker in leave-in conditioner. Take your time and very carefully comb it out while cursing at your reflection in the mirror about your stupid hair.
5. The fact that an at-home-blowout will never happen.
Hahahahahahaha no. It took my stylist three times to really figure out how to make my hair listen to her and she’s amazing. Blowouts are complicated enough as is, and if a hair dryer is being evil it is just way too easy to end up looking like the cartoon version of Little Orphan Annie. Don’t try it. You’ll end up with a round brush stuck in there and that’s a really easy way to ruin your day.
6. The backhanded bitchiness that is “Your hair looks so good straight!!”
“Oh my GOD. Did you straighten your hair?! Oh my god it’s so effing long and it looks so good! Fun, right?!”
Yeah, sitting there while a blazing hot tool went through my hair for an hour was WAY fun. And cool. Thanks for making me feel really insecure about the way my hair looks on its own. I’ve only been dealing with that since, I don’t know, FOREVER. Plus, the only reason the curls are still bouncy and have some semblance of health is because I don’t fry it like this all the time. But thank you, thank you so much for your input.
7. The necessity of the right product.
If I don’t have my leave in conditioner, my mousse, and my serum with me, all bets are off about what my hair is going to look like. So in that case I call upon my saving grace: buns, buns, and more buns. Thank god that those are in right now because I used to feel like a knock-off ballerina every time my hair wasn’t cooperating.
8. That the girl in Charlie Brown was a moron.
She walked around, bragging about that shit even though it was clear the other Peanuts didn’t want to hear it. It’s real easy to love your hair when your mom is doing it for you, Frieda. Wait until college when you oversleep and try to messy top knot it but miss and there’s a curly-q rat tail bouncing behind you while you book it to your lecture.
On the one hand, I applaud her for being so confident at such a young age. On the other, I want to tell her to get a diffuser and shut up.