The Inner Monologue Of A Girl Who Is Being Sexted

GIRLS / Amazon.com.
GIRLS / Amazon.com.
If you are a girl who can come across like a technological Sophia Loren, congratulations. You are a superior being. You’re better than me. I bet you don’t pee in the shower either. Wait, what?

So your conversation with some guy just took a turn…a “winky smiley” turn. Like they think we don’t know what’s coming around the corner? These days, the hey wink is often the only warning we get.

Okay okay okay okay okay. OH. KAY. I can do this. It’s just like they said in For A Good Time Call: “Whatever he says I just tell him I want to lick it.” I can do that. That’s simple. I can be sexy. I’ve had sex in real life tons of times; sex over texting cannot be that complicated. I’m an attractive human. I can do this because I’m HAWT. I looked really great that one time in my Target bikini when I was posing all Kendall Jenner-esque and sucking in that Freshman 15 I never totally lost. I’ve GOT this.

Oh I so do NOT got this. All I can see when I’m trying to take a boob shot is my armpit fat. Gahhhhhh I’m gross. I am a manatee. Nope, manatees are adorable I’m like the manatee’s weird cousin that no one wants to swim in the lagoon with. God…that is horrifying. No one is going to want to jerk it to that. I’ll just try another angle…wait…oh god do my nipples really look like that?! (Spends the next 12 minutes examining nipples in a lit up, amplified mirror.)

I thought it would be easier if he started but I can’t stop giggling at this shirtless bro pic! First and foremost: thank you SO much for showing me just a GLIMPSE of your boxer briefs. Because when every woman thinks: “I need something to get me going” she’s really thinking: “a thumb hooked in some Hollister undies would be GREAT right now.” Yum. Y.U.M.
But now all I can focus on is the pile of laundry in the corner of your “sexy pic.” Is it clean? Is it dirty? Is it a mix? Dear god please don’t let it be a mix. I really just want to help you out and fold them and put them away. You really don’t have to live like this. Wait a second…you’re 27. You should know you don’t have to live like this by now. I’m concerned.

Yeah I was wrong, I can’t do this. I’m just going to ask what he thought of the latest Walking Dead instead. All guys like to talk about zombie killers, right? They like gore more than they like the tiny potential that I would send then a slightly suggestive pic…right? I don’t know. Zombies and katanas…GO!

Annnnndddddd nope. He just sent me a message that says, “Tell daddy whatchu like ;).” I’m terrified. I know what’s going to happen when I open this picture message. My beautiful, princess eyes know what’s coming but are just not ready for it.

Yep, there it is. There’s that dick pic. After countless articles and Buzzfeed posts and memes how does any guy STILL think it’s a good idea to send an unsolicited penis photo? No one wants to stare at a penis. That’s why they go INSIDE of things. Okay…that may be one of the grossest thoughts that has ever run through my mind but that doesn’t make it less true. Penises are strange looking. I don’t like it. No.

Maybe we still have cookie butter. Cookie butter will make me feel better about this.

**SCREENSHOT** I’m sending this to all my girls and also asking them how they feel about the last episode of Scandal. My girls get me. They also get that I don’t want to see a penis.
DUDE. I don’t want to see your dick STOP SENDING ME DICK PICS. Just because you changed the angle and the filter doesn’t make want to stare at it any more!!!!!

If I just keep saying LOL will he go to bed? I really don’t get how he could possibly think I would be into this? Oh that’s right…society. Ugh I’m too tired and weirded out to think about feminist rants right now. I just want to cuddle under my comforter with good conversation and good cookie butter. It’s my fault for making anyone think sexting was a possibility. UGH. I’M THE WORST. Is he done sending nudes yet?

Answer is…nope!

Dude…stop. Stop. Just stop? Yeah I’m just done responding. This was a bust. A for effort? Nah, I barely deserve a C.

Okay I’m going to bed. I think Charlotte was right when she said we only get two great loves. But instead of “Lots O’ Shoes” like Carrie gets to put on her grave, I’ll get to put “Lots O’ Dick Pics” on mine. My life is really hard.

…almost as hard as his penis. HEYYYOOOOOOO.

Yeah I need to go to bed. TC mark

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