1. Thou Shalt Pretend I’m Number One (At Least When We’re Together).
But come on, let’s be honest with everyone for a second. We all know that everyone has their childhood friends, their college friends, their work friends, their bar friends, the person they just bonded with in the bathroom etc etc and so on and so forth. But when we, no matter where I fall on the totem pole, are hanging out, those other people do. not. matter. If we’re together, it’s about us. Not them. There should be no “Well I already talked to Hannah about this buuuuttt…” I give ZERO EFFS what she has to say about it. If we are friends and you are coming to me it is rude to remind me that someone else may have been first in line. Fake it. Please and thank you.
2. Thou Shalt Be Honest About the Outfits.
I know I go through stages with fashion and style. I find inspiration in everything — from the TV shows I become obsessed with to the music I find myself playing on repeat. But if I ask for your opinion, give it. Be honest. If I cared enough to ask, I care enough to hear. Don’t let me walk out of the house with a tattoo style choker necklace just because I put on B*Witched for some reason. I don’t need to “C’est La Vie” no matter how much I think I do! Don’t be the friend that allows that because I will blame you.
3. Thou Shalt Not Compare Me to Other Friends.
How would anyone be okay with that? This is just a dick move. Don’t be all “Well Kylie would do this when I…” because guess what? Sister ain’t here. Every single friendship is different and you are being rude or sloppy or all of the above by pointing anything like that out. If you want a job done a specific way, call that specific person. But don’t just settle for the first person who was decent enough to answer your drunk dial and then be upset when what you get is different from what you hoped for. Okay…now maybe I’m the one who’s a little drunk… **calming down now**
4. Remember the Birthday/Break Up Day/Anniversary And Keep It Holy.
I’m not saying you have to plan crazy festivities or post amazingly saptastic things to Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram. All I’m saying is remember that there is a reason to acknowledge it as something other than any average Tuesday. Whether it’s a first and you’re creating traditions or it’s your 20th and you have a set schedule every year, make sure your friend feels damn special and doted on and cared about. Get your buddy a cupcake for shit’s sake. Sheesh.
5. Honor The Ex Code.
This is between exes and lovers and friends and nobody else. You have to set your own boundaries and declare what you’re comfortable with. No one can determine this for you. Just make sure you feel good and your friend feels good. But once that line has been drawn: no one crosses it. Don’t be that person. Just don’t.
6. Thou Shalt Always Say “Yes” To Skinny.
“Do I look fat in this?”
“No you are beautiful and anyone would be lucky to see you naked.”
7. Thou Shalt Put Social Media Second.
This means a couple of different things so bear with me for a hot second. We’re so addicted to our smartphones and being constantly “connected” these days that we’ve forgotten how to actually connect with our friends. I don’t need to see you check us in, tweet that you’re at a bar with me, or Snapchat what we’re up to. Those are silly, secondary things to us actually spending time together. I don’t want to go out, spend money on a beer, and have you scrolling around on a touch-screen the entire time. Phone down, face up. Internet should always come second to friend-to-friend interaction.
The second portion of this is: do not let me find out about important things that have happened to you through fucking Facebook. I deserve an in-person or call or at least a damn head’s-up text when something happens. If I’m the 67th like on a photo of your engagement ring after it’s happened and I was under the impression we were close, I’m going to feel hurt about it. People used to have to wait to hear about announcements like pregnancies and relationships before social media. We can continue to do so to a certain extent. Sorry, Zuckerberg.
8. Thou Shalt Give If Thou Want to Receive.
Don’t be the friend that asks for favors but never dishes them out. If you forgot your wallet, get the round next time. If you want help moving, don’t pretend to be busy the weekend that I need a heavy lifter. No one keeps a mooch as a friend for very long; you’ve been warned. Don’t be a one-way friend. No one likes that kid.
9. Thou Shalt Put Aside Your Gross Outs.
If you are a sympathy puker or pass out at the sight of blood you’re just going to need to figure it out if need be. You don’t deserve to have people hold your hair back and buy you Gatorade if you run the second you see a dry heave. If your pal needs someone to hold their hand while they get stitches, but you don’t like what happens when needles pierce the skin, you’d better figure out a different spot in the ER to look. Your queasiness takes a backseat to your friend’s when the situation requires.
10. Thou Shalt Be The Friend Thou Wisheth To See in the World.
Self-explanatory. Ghandi said it first (I think) but let’s just live that way. Golden rule or something. Be the friend you’d like to have. Yes? Yes.
And the honorary 11th: Never miss brunch. Unless you’re naked with someone. Then I understand.