1. Google revealed his true colors.
Listen. I’m all for not Googling each other before a first date so you can still be genuinely surprised by the answers to some questions, but random guys you meet in a bar and are considering just getting weird with for one night? All bets are off. Knowledge is power and if the first thing that pops up is an article about his arrest after attempting to rob a Taco Bell at gun point…well, that’s something you probably want to know about that. Or, y’know, if the guy in question claims to be a professional indoor soccer player, but you find out his British accent is tooooootally fake because he was absolutely raised in LA and went to college in Berkeley. Hey Ivan, what’s shakin?
2. You’re hungry.
Unless the two of you have mutually agreed and promised to stop for drunk munchies before getting to either of your places, it’s just a bad idea. You’re going to be thinking about Seattle Dogs or pizza or the leftover baked potatoes in your fridge the entire time and it’s going to be awkward and awful as hell. Plus, maybe I’m alone here, but I find nothing sexy about your stomach growling and being able to feel the gin and tonics sloshing around when you’re trying to be naked with someone. Ugh, I get grossed out just thinking about it.
3. Your Friend has hooked up with him before.
Being able to be Eskimo Sisters without any weirdness is a luxury reserved for very select friends. Usually it just turns into some creepy competition you weren’t aware you were signing up for. He’ll get bitchy texts from her saying things like, “Way to keep it in the family” and it’s just going to suck. Honestly everyone is just going to be uncomfortable, and do you really want him to be able to compare your and Rachel’s sex noises to his buddies over beer pong? No. I didn’t think so.
4. He’s drinking hard cider. by choice.
Call it personal preference but unless you are in a designated cider house, this is a definite red flag for me. Why? Just…why? Were you just really craving some apple juice but felt it needed a 5% kick? If it were served in a Capri Sun pouch instead of a pint glass would you still go for it? Actually…I would go for that because it sounds kind of awesome. But no, I digress. Hard cider is for hayrides and baby-faced girls with fake IDs hoping the bartender doesn’t notice they’re actually 19.
5. He’s started revealing his kinks in public. Before last call.
I understand that a certain level of inebriation will loosen anyone up to the point of showing their stuff in public. Sometimes you’re classy; sometimes you’re half naked in a photo booth. It happens. But if it is only 11pm and he’s already asking if he can lick your butt, you should probably scamper back to your friend’s place and cut your losses because if you choose to go home with him I think you might end up on the missing person’s list. Or you’ll just be in for a really awkward moment when he tries strong-arm-flipping you over and you fly over the back of the couch and end up with a black eye instead.
6. You were really interested in his friend.
Don’t settle for the buddy in hopes that you’ll eventually get around to the one you were trying to make eyes at over that BudLight Lime. You will automatically be “That girl that went home with Kevin from The Garage” and he will never be able to take you seriously. “I guess I can make this work” sex only works if you don’t know anyone in each other’s circles. If you are interested in a friend, hold out for the friend.
7. You’re so drunk you can’t sign for your tab.
This is why everyone needs a sober sister. If there are only two of you, you both cannot blackout. If you are the friend and you see your girl waving the pen like a wand trying to Wingardium Leviosa the receipt away, intervene and find her a cab. She will thank you and buy you a bacon infused bloody mary (#blessed) in the morning. At least I would. But I’m nice.