I am not a girly girl. I didn’t step foot into a Sephora until this past year, and I’m 25. I know that a lot of these are things that the media has told me I’m supposed to know how to do because I’m a girl and I identify as a girl and I should just be all “Every kind of woman is amazing!” And for the most part, I’m totally cool with being more of a tomboy and rocking just BB Cream because it’s the only thing I have the skill level to do. Sometimes I figure like I am still figuring out how to be “feminine”, and these are some of the things I feel like missed a step on learning when my boobs came in in sixth grade.
1. French Braids
I can barely put my hair in a super ~chic~ messy bun without missing a chunk and having an accidental, off-center rattail. Every time I sit try to figure out the good ol’ French Braid I come out looking like I belong in a “Pinterest Fail” post.
2. Cuticle Care
This is part of the reason why I have a deep seeded fear of manicures. The two times I got acrylics in high school (French Tips for Prom, like every good Midwest girl got) the manicurist shamed me so bad for the cracked skin along the sides of my fingers I’ve been too scared to go back. And yes, I use lotion, I’m not a lumberjack I’m just bad at being a girl.
3. The Difference between Bras
Evidently, at least according to mainstream “girly” magazines” anyway, there are different bras that are supposed to be worn under different types of clothing. I’m still totally figuring out what size my boobs are so this just too much to wrap my brain around.
4. How to Properly Blow Dry My Hair
Soooo you aren’t supposed to just flip your head upside down and hope everything goes okay? The round brush isn’t supposed to just get stuck in your hair and you get pissed and yell curses at it? I should be able to recreate what my stylist does at home? Lol, k.
5. Any Way to Artfully Tie a Scarf
There is a girl who made a “100 Ways to Tie a Scarf” YouTube video and I am thoroughly convinced she either
a) Has way too much time on her hands
b) Is a wizard
I can fake an infinity scarf. That is where my skill with that accessory ends.
6. Eyebrow Shaping
If I couldn’t pay a really nice lady $20 every month to rip my brow hair out of my face every month I would be lost. I was absolutely the girl in sixth grade that couldn’t figure out tweezers and shaved her eyebrows. You know what’s really attractive? Eyebrow stubble. Yum.
7. Painting My Nails and Coming out Clean
I clean up the mess with nail polish remover and still find streaks of black or gold or red or whatever in the most BIZARRE places on my fingers. I look like a child who was allowed to finger paint and took full advantage of the situation.
I use it, but that doesn’t mean I get it. I also could not tell you the difference between what I put on my face during the day and night if you paid me. Actually…if you offered to pay me I’d probably figure it out. I’m not girly but I’m no dummy.
And this is coming from someone who took a Stage Makeup class in college. I can make you (or myself) look like you have a screwdriver stabbed into your forehead no problem but let’s just say I got a C on contour day and that was the instructor being generous.
10. “Clean” Eye Makeup
I’ve mastered the smoky eye because you basically just get to make a mess and call it makeup. If I were to try and do something with edges or a double winged eye liner there would be causalities and they would end up on my face.
11. Whether or Not Pore Strips Actually Work
I know I love them and I’m addicted to examining what comes out of my face for like, five minutes with the flashlight on my face, but I don’t necessarily see what the difference is. It did take me until 24 to figure out how to use them without them adhering to my face and pulling off skin. Easy Trick: Don’t buy off brand. Your nose will thank you.
12. If I’m Wearing my Lipstick Correctly
I feel like it’s bleeding everywhere, but I just love the colors! How do I stop this? Lip liner? Is that the secret? Help!
Is it a lie? Is this the Lush girl just trying to sell me $24 glorified water? Every time I think about toner I think about when Lindsay Lohan was in the Proactiv commercials that always played on MTV and how Proactiv made my high school skin worse. Maybe I’m just bitter and taking it out on toner and toner is really just trying to help me. And maybe now I’ve rambled on about this for far too long. Yeah it’s definitely the last one.
14. Home Bang Trims
Some people are capable of doing this, and some people end up with slanted bangs. Until Cara Delevingne decides to make miscut bangs “the look” I will be going to Ken every 3 weeks for a cleanup. Good for, Ken.
15. Giving a damn what any one thinks about my inability to be girly.
And I never will. (cue throwing up for writing two sentences as saptastic as that.)