If my life had a tagline it would be: You can’t outsmart the liquor.
If you never get too drunk or never mix your colors and pay for it or never say “yes” to another glass of red wine when you should stop yourself I am here to say “Congratulations, you win the Twenty-Something game. Now leave the rest of us here in peace with our Perrier, ibuprofen, and quiet time.” There is a learning curve with drinking and (unfortunately) it sometimes gets the better of us. Whether we’d care to admit it or not we’ve all been “that girl” once or twice or in my case a hellava lot more than a one hand count.
There are many variations of “that girl”. I would know since I looked it up on Urban Dictionary and everything. These are a few of the personifications of her that I’ve been or witnessed. I’m sure there will be more and I’m sure they will be equally as embarrassing. And I’m also damn sure I will welcome her on into the club with a bowl full of scrambled eggs to take the edge off of the hangover.
1. That Girl Who Has a One Up For Everything You Say
She’s the living embodiment of Kristen Wigg’s Penelope. You got a 4.0 this semester? Well cool, she got a full ride to Standford but just “couldn’t stand to be that far from her mom”. You’re up for a promotion at work? She heard her boss is leaving and it’s just ooooobvious she’s going to be his replacement. You’re dreading the train ride home after drinks? Last weekend the train derailed and she singlehandedly Spiderman-ed it from crashing and then lifted it and all several hundred passengers back onto the rails and is getting the key to city on The Today Show next Monday from guest host, Chris Evans. But…she doesn’t mean to *brag*.
2. That Girl Who Somehow Becomes a 230 Pound Army Ranger
You aren’t quite sure what happened. One minute you were sipping whiskey gingers talking about where you should go to brunch tomorrow, the next you were listening to her belch with enough force to land on the Richter scale and she’s running around wanting to arm wrestle everyone. The next bar you go to she physically kicks in the door upon entrance just to prove she can. You’re probably impressed but also terrified that she’s going to make you compete in a 1:30 AM face to face Hunger Games in the park. Don’t do it, you’ll lose and “my friend beat me up when she was wasted, but she didn’t mean it!!” is a really tough one to buy when you want to call into work the next day.
3. That Girl Who is Crying
One minute girl was totally fine and laughing with everybody else. Everything was just peachy. The next she is holding her breath all weird and pulling her side bangs down low and when you get a really solid look at her she is bawling. You aren’t sure when or how the turn happened but now pretty much anything is going to guarantee inexplicable tears and unintelligible mumbling about how it “just isn’t fair.”
4. That Girl Who Is Getting Into the Next Bar No. Matter. What.
She should have been cut off looooong ago. Where once stood a perfectly coifed girl now stands a makeup melted mess who looks kind of like a baby giraffe just learning to walk. But bouncers and liquor laws be damned she is going to rally and get to the next spot the group is heading to. She will flirt with who needs to be flirted with, promise not to drink anything other than water, and channel the last bits of her sobriety when she sees the chance to make a mad dash to the bar rail for one last lemon drop.
5. That Girl Who Took One Psych101 Class and now Thinks She’s Sigmund Freud
“I mean, Caroline told me she was being like…super aggressive and I just honestly think she’s probably psychotic and manic. That’s manic, absolutely maniac. Like she was absolutely having a post menstrual bipolar episode. My sister has them all the time and she’s really just psychologically better off when she’s not surrounded by these kinds of triggers you know? …. Oh? You wanna do another jägerbomb? TOOOOOOTALLY.”
6. That Girl Who Abuses the Company Party
Whether it be taking a little too much advantage of the term “open bar” or bringing Tupperware to snag some snacks for later (or the rest of the week) she is getting her 9 to 5’s worth! Judge away, she’s not gonna worry about it. What she is going to worry about is if you are grabbing the last of the potato skewers because she will fight you for them. And then she is going to spend the next 15 minutes taking glamour shots in the photo booth. No, she’s not done yet, wait your turn. JEEZE.
7. That Girl Who Pees in Inappropriate Locations
If this isn’t the girl who is just cool with going behind the dumpster but is the one who gets so blacked out, trashed that she treats the living room like an extension of the bathroom she is pretty awful.
Make no mistake there is a definite difference between a girl who has no problem popping a squat in a yard and a girl who finds herself in a puddle on carpet. And if you relieve yourself anywhere that requires Resolve afterwards you owe everyone a big apology and a case of beer each. Just sayin’.
8. That Girl Who is Down for the Count
She’s asleep in the booth of the bar, again. She promised she would make it past 10:30 tonight but she lied. The tricky thing here is you can’t just put her in a cab because… well… she’s asleep. It’s kind of a practice run for having kids and figuring out how to get them from Point A to Point Bed after they pass out in the car. Good luck and when you figure out a game plan for this girl let me know, okay?
9. That Girl Who’s Life is Just The Worst
She’s fat and needs to eat healthier, her job is sucking the life out of her, she can’t find a decent guy, maybe she’s found a guy but isn’t sure if he’s “the One”, she doesn’t know what is up with her hair this week, her skin is freaking out, she has an ingrown toenail, her favorite wine wasn’t on sale. It doesn’t matter, everything is just terrible and she’s gonna tell you all about it. She will probably turn in the crying one, she just comes with a little more of a warning label.
10. That Girl Who is Making Out with the Uber Driver
Is this safe? Is this going to be the 2015 version of the Craiglist Killer? Are you getting this ride for free? There are many questions to be asked and she is asking zero of them. All she is concerned with is making sure to avoid the gear shift when she leaves over to kiss Brian, 4.7 stars. But hey – good on her for getting some. Godspeed.