1. The Bathroom Best-Friend Girl.
This girl is the one you will bond with over anti-shine sheets and makeup touchups next to a hand soap dispenser that only sometimes works. She’s going to pass you all the toilet paper if you’re the one who was lucky enough to end up in that stall that only has the cardboard tube with little bits of toilet paper stuck around it. A lot of “Oh my gooood I fucking love youuuuuu” is going to come out of her mouth but she will blot your face like a pro. The bathroom best-friend girl is a magical little fairy because it will take at least eight and a half vodka sodas (WITH LIME, DON’T FORGET THE LIME. Sorry, I’m the WORST) to get her there but when you add that Grey Goose to her already magnet of a personality she will somehow have you all singing “Wannabe” in the handicapped stall while one of the girls in the group is peeing while swinging her feet dangling from the toilet.
2. The Narcoleptic.
Admittedly this can be me depending on the type of booze. You can always see the narcoleptic going down before it happens; take it from an expert. All it takes is one look at them in the eyes. I promise you’ll see the shift and know that you have approximately fifteen minutes to get them home or they will go down in the booth, a bench on the street, or somewhere even worse. I’ve been in the just-need-to-go-to-bed mindset where I was absolutely ready to find find a strip of cardboard on the street and tell the homeless person that had claimed it to scoot on over and make room if someone didn’t properly direct me to a cab. So, so wrong? Yep. Serious? I sure was when I was stumbling around thanks to one-too-many jägerbombs. And I, like most sleepy drunks, will not remember anything until I wake up surrounded by orange chicken and regret.
3. The Mean Drunk.
If you are a mean drunk, I’m not even sorry to say this, but you’re a total asshole and everyone loathes going out with you. If you’re the person who becomes aggressive, antagonistic, and/or physical with other people as a result of certain drinks or too many drinks, I don’t have a problem saying that I, and the rest of society, hates you. This person becomes very rude and — what’s more — thinks it’s funny. Sometimes they’ll get a little too loose or personal with the insults. But worst of all is when they start fights with other people for no damn reason other than shots of Jameson. One of my favorite sayings is, “If you can’t play nice, you don’t get to play” and I stand by it. If you constantly have to apologize for your dick-ish behavior after whiskey nights, maybe you shouldn’t participate in whiskey nights anymore? Just a thought.
4. The Wannabe Bartender.
We all pretend like we enjoy this person but really they’re rarely awesome. I don’t know what it is but I think we all have that friend who gets drunk and all of a sudden they think they’re the damn Ina Garten (all hail the queen) of cocktail drink making. Put down the shaker and the Diet Coke because — I’m sorry — but the shit you are about to mix tastes like someone poured a cocktail on the floor, lit it on fire, and somehow scooped it back into a glass. Once at a Christmas party I was told, and was tipsy enough to believe, that mixing vodka, champagne, and bourbon would be just so unreasonably good. You know what? Weirdly enough it wasn’t. Thanks Chris, I’ll never forget that taste and it will haunt me forever.
5. The Attention Hog.
If you start to tell a story, they will one up you with something that happened to them. If you are getting laughs from the group, they will attempt to say something funnier. If you are dancing with someone, they will find a hole on the dance floor and twerk harder and faster than anyone else there. Basically this is the person that validates their self-worth based on Instagram likes and the amount of attention they get when they go out is the real-life version of that. It’s most likely not personal so try to remember that when you’re seriously considering “accidentally” spilling your beer down their back when they aren’t looking.
6. The Kleptomaniac.
Hopefully the kleptomaniac in your life doesn’t take like… “real” stuff like phones or wallets or…I don’t know, actual cars. Hopefully it’s tame stealing. I’ll throw it out there; I can be a little bit of a klepto after some gin. I also know some other sticky-fingered drunks but they — and I include myself in the “they” — steal comical, rather than serious and valuable things. My favorite things that have been snatched in action are the dingy bells from hotel lobbies, glasses and mugs from establishments (but never a copper mug because those are crazy expensive and I would feel bad), and food. Peaches, frozen pizza, and a full bag of shredded cheese that was very obviously from a restaurant’s cooler are among some of the food that has mysteriously ended up in my apartment after a night of heavy drinking. That and some fuzzy reindeer antlers…but another story for another day. Have to admit it though…being a drunken theft almost always makes for a good story.
7. The TMI Kid.
I have trouble with this; I’m naturally a pretty nosy person, and thus like to know all about people, but the TMI kid takes this one step too far. With the TMI kid, it starts to feel like an unintentional violation because you know the stuff they’re sharing with you would NEVER see the light of day if they didn’t have their booze blinders on. Because no, believe it or not, no one wants to look at your “weird skin thing” in the bathroom — not even the best-friend bathroom girl (okay, lies, she probably would). But absolutely no one wants to hear about all of your crazy, weird, and intense family stuff. You’re making everyone uncomfortable so do us all (and yourself) a favor and put down the Moscow Mule, take a second, and pull yourself together. Oversharing is fun when it’s a bunch of chicks talking about sex stuff, not so fun when it’s a guy talking about how he was once bi and now his ex-boyfriend is banging his mom. Nope, just awkward.
8. The Overly Affectionate Drunk.
They “just really want to make out” or are all of sudden super huggy. They can be the worst wingman because they lose sight and just want to love and be loved by everyone. One of my best friends is just cuddle city after we go through some merlot, and to be totally honest, I adore it. There is nothing better than getting girl drunk, talking about butt stuff (yep, you’re welcome, we do that) and then snuggling and playing with each other’s hair while we watch Scandal. But you have to look out for your touchy, lovey, drunk friends. It’s way too easy for people to misread their intentions. So be a good sober (or at least semi-sober) supervisor and have their back.
And make sure to get them — or any of the above — some carbs and some water. Because that’s what friends are for.