1. Do not pick me up without asking first.
Maybe this is just me but I HATE it. Unless I’m expecting you do this, it’s incredibly jarring to go from being on solid ground one minute, to being airborne the next. Also, as I’ve found out the hard way, guys really have no concept of skirts or dresses (or perhaps they do…now I’m onto you pervs!!), and thus typically leave me accidentally and unexpectedly flashing everyone the goods because old so-and-so over here tried to cradle me like a baby. It’s not sexy. I hate it. MOVING ON.
2. Keeping snacks on the top shelf is just rude.
Everyone has a cupboard where they store all the good stuff. If yours is on the absolute top shelf in the kitchen, that is just inconsiderate. There is nothing fair about being left helpless or being forced to climb Little Rascals style to get to the popcorn. I realize now that your decision was probably intentional — either meant to annoy me or to see me do said climbing for your own enjoyment, but I’m seething internally and plotting how to get you back. Help a sister out; keep some tortilla chips in a mutually reachable location.
3. Concerts aren’t a good idea unless there’s a strategy involved.
If we cannot strategize or coordinate so we know we’re in a place where I can see what’s going on, be prepared to have to narrate a lot. Some concerts are better than others but it can be kind of a gamble. Either try to figure out which seats allow me to see and enjoy myself like a normal-sized person OR be totally okay with the fact that you are going to have to answer “What just happened?!” every 15 to 30 seconds.
4. Yes my shoes are tiny. No you cannot try them on.
Best case scenario, they don’t fit and I don’t really know what to say because…duh, they weren’t going to. Worst case scenario is you break them or stretch them out and I will be mad at you. I’m really not sure what you were expecting when you went for the size 5.5 gladiator sandals. And yes, I’m obviously still hung up about it.
5. I know you like having the leg room, but please let me have the aisle seat at the movie theater.
Here’s the thing. Over the years, short girls have developed a keen attack plan when it comes to movie seats. We either:
- Find a row or seats where there is no one in front of us, or
- Take the aisle seat so we can lean either to the left or to the right if someone should so happen to be obstructing our view.
If this plan doesn’t work out, we have to cross our fingers that the whole “find a window between heads” game works in our favor. Should that not work out, we are going to have a similar situation to the concert problem, which becomes infinitely more annoying to you and to everyone else when in a movie theater.
6. Doing the “lean your elbow on my head because I’m the same size as a counter” thing is amusing the first time, but ridiculously annoying the twentieth time.
Spoiler alert: it’s been happening to us since boys entered the 8th grade, got over themselves, and started to feel comfortable touching girls; you’re sooooo far from the first person to do it. We’ll play along and be like “Oh how funny; I’m a human armrest” for the first few times while secretly fuming (especially if you crush our top knots). But on 17th or 18th time that I see your elbow going in for the “lean”? I’m going to move at the last second and watch you fall. And not only will I laugh, but I will not apologize either.
7. Yes my furniture is tiny. Yes I know I am the only one that comfortably fits on it.
Part of it has to do with my own personal aesthetic, but mostly I purchase a lot of vintage furniture because it’s cute and often a lot cheaper! I’m aware that my chair is weirdly proportioned and that your feet teeter off the edge of my bed. I also recognize that I am the only person who can fully lounge on my couch. It’s just: I just don’t care. You’re an adult, get over it and in the words of Mr. Tim Gunn, “Make it work!”
8. We will always look hysterical in photos when I’m wearing flats.
“Oh my god do you just come up to like his belly button?” (Nipples, actually.)
“What is he, like a foot and half taller than you!?” (No, only eleven inches.)
“You look like his kid.” (Well that’s not creepy of you to say.)
And so on and so forth.
9. While I may be the same size as your own personal Polly Pocket, it doesn’t mean you’re going to break me.
I am small, not fragile. This applies to *ahem* adult activities as well as just day-to-day shenanigans. You are not going to hurt me if we wrestle; you are not going to bust me at the gym. I am a real person, just smaller!
10. I like hugging you and feeling tiny.
For all of the things that can annoy me about our size difference, I’m obviously very much into it. I like that when you bear hug me my face gets kind of smushed into you. I like having to go up on my tip toes to kiss your face. I like that when we put our hands together your fingers go a third of the way over mine. I like that I have to take a running start to jump on your back. It’s cute; it makes me blush. I’m going to stop now.
11. If you get to make fun of me for my feet not touching the floor, I get to make fun of you every time you smack your head on a doorframe.
Fair is fair.
12. Just help me reach things, okay?
As long as you help me reach the cookie butter my roommate hides in the back of the highest cabinet in the kitchen, you can forget all of the above and do whatever you want.