1. Kiss that beautiful, tiny bod’ you do absolutely zero work for goodbye.
Between learning what real stress is, moving away from home cooked meals, and the introduction to the dining hall at your college, you are going to gain weight. Maybe you’ll be lucky and it’ll be all boobs and butt, or maybe it’ll go to your face, your back and your gut. Either way, find a gym and learn to love it if you don’t want to have to invest in a whole new bunch of jeans within six months.
2. You will keep two, maybe three, friends from high school. If you’re lucky.
Everyone changes and grows, or they stay exactly the same. Either way, the people you are the closest to today will probably look like strangers five years from now. Trust. One day you’ll log on to Facebook with the intent of stalking your ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend and you’ll see a picture of your old bestie’s engagement ring and you’ll post a heartfelt “Congratulations” paragraph on said photo and she won’t even like your comment. And you won’t feel bitter about it at all. Nope.
3. Stop over-tweezing and thinning the shit out of your eyebrows.
In five years, bold brows are going to be back in, everyone is going to realize the importance of “brow game” and you are going to feel VASTLY inadequate for a long time until, one magical day, a sassy girl at Sephora convinces you to buy $30 brow makeup to help you out. If you nip it in the bud now, that won’t need to happen.
4. Enjoy all of the cheese you can get your hands on.
One day 25 is going to hit, you’ll forget to have them remake your latte with soy instead of the obviously regular, full lactose milk they used, and then you are going to DESTROY some Target bathroom. And I say that like it was one time but if we’re being honest it’s going to happen WAY more than once. So enjoy that brie and gouda now, youthful little one, it won’t last forever.
5. QUIT IT with the boxed hair dye.
Your hair is thick and luscious and beautiful. Leave. It. Alone. If you keep it up it will thin out, ultimately fall out, the texture will change and it will never grow the way you want it to. EVER.
6. No boy who tells you how much he is bored with, doesn’t actually care about, is scared to break with or “just likes you more than” his current girlfriend is a good guy, means anything he said or is worth it.
Boys like this will end up in weird life stages and you will only hear from them years down the road at bizarrely random times, probably when they’re drunk. So do yourself a favor and don’t waste your time or energy on them.
7. The Parent Trap starring Lindsay Lohan and Lindsay Lohan is a classic movie so make absolutely NO apologies for loving it.
There is always time for Dennis Quaid, Martin and Chessy, and those infamous camp scenes. Let’s get together…yeah yeah yeah…
8. If a photo of you and your best friend kissing ends up on Xanga and you’re able and willing to actually laugh about it and remain friends despite everyone accusing you two of being lesbians?
This means she’s a keeper.
9. You will get zits forever.
And I’m not just talking little, pop ‘em and they disappear blemishes. I’m talking the painful, hormonal, will scab no matter what, big, MONSTER zits that won’t budge. They will pop up at inopportune times no matter how consistent you are with your skincare regimen, and what you use to try to deter them. Puberty comes and goes, zits are forever.
10. Remember how you brag that you never cry at movies? That’s not going to last.
One day, hypothetically of course, you may feel stressed and freaked out and sad and hormonal all at once and will openly, heavily cry at a beer commercial. Okay, admittedly you may be a little drunk when that one happened. But still, almost every movie has at least one moment that makes you misty. No shame, it happens to the best of us.
11. You think that you know what love is.
He has great hair, a cute smile, skateboards *sWoOn*, and kisses like no one you’ve ever met before. But you don’t love him. You are going to feel things that you didn’t even know were possible. You are going to meet people that will shake you to your core and that you will care about more than you care about anything else in the entire world. This little puppy love romance is going to look sad and so, so tiny in comparison. I promise that even though he hurt you today, you won’t give a shit about him tomorrow. Figuratively, not literally.
12. You will regret that tattoo.
And it’s going to cost a lot to cover up.
13. Do not do drugs with that band member who will not be named.
He will try to take advantage of you under a blanket in some skeezy college house and you won’t enjoy yourself and will end up drunk crying in a bath tub. Have a little bit of self respect and don’t make out with or even make eyes at guys who need to do a line just to talk to you. You’re better than that.
14. Your classmates who seem like they’ve got it all together and are all level headed and collected? They probably aren’t going anywhere.
And frankly, as big headed as it sounds, they’re jealous of you. They know you’re spontaneous and unafraid (to a certain extent) and will do awesome things that they are too reserved to even consider. They will end up living in the same neighborhoods they grew up in and get married in really sad taffeta gowns from David’s Bridal. Don’t be jealous of ugly girls with boyfriends.
(which leads me to…)
15. Don’t be jealous of ugly girls with boyfriends.
What does this mean? Let me tell you. This is some of my most favorite advice I have ever been given.
Sometimes, when you’re single, it’s easy to be jealous of anyone and everyone in a relationship purely because they’re in a relationship. So you can look at a girl who is…okay everyone can hate me but let’s just say she has a “great personality” and she has a boyfriend who also has “a great personality” and just looking at the two of them makes you jealous. But here’s the thing, you don’t want him, you are absolutely NOT attracted to him; you’re not even remotely interested in him. You’re just jealous of the situation. Don’t want things you don’t have, purely because you don’t have them.
Thus, don’t be jealous of ugly girls with boyfriends.
16. Sing as loud as you want, whenever you want.
If someone doesn’t like it, screw them. Life is too short to mark in the shower.
17. If you want to do something, do it.
If you want to kiss someone, kiss them. If you want to say something, think about it for at least forty-five seconds, and then just say it. Make mistakes, take chances and *cringe* dye your hair if you feel like it. Just live. Because life is too damn short. Just don’t ever pierce your tongue, no matter how cool you think it looks.