1. An Automatic Plus One to Any and All Events.
It’s not that going to parties and dinners solo or with buddies is a bad thing. It’s just the prepping and leaving together that I miss. When you go with a plus one they have to show up with you, have to leave with you. They can’t get tired or decide SVU sounds more appealing and check out before midnight lest they turn into a 20-something lazy pumpkin. And come on. A plus one at a wedding is always more fun; you have an automatic dance partner and someone to make fun off all of the terrible wedding outfits with.
2. Someone to Hold My Hand and Lead Me through Big Crowds.
A guy did this on a first date recently and I found myself struck for just a second about how nice it was. At five-foot-barely-nothing, big crowds can be pretty treacherous and a little intimidating for me. I already get lost really easily because, well, you just can’t see pocket sized me over anything normal-sized. This list includes: regular sized people, certain bars, Christmas trees, door frames where there is a window at a certain height but I fall below that window, and armoires at furniture shops. Just to name a few. But back to the point; there’s just something really nice and comforting about someone leading you through a large crowd.
3. Not Always Being the Designated Spider Killer.
I had a significant other who would quote James and the Giant Peach (“It’s unlucky to kill a spider.” Anyone? Anyone?) every single time I got ready smash a little eight-legged sucker, before swiftly sliding on in to release it to the wild. Now it’s not necessarily this that I miss, because I have a crippling fear of nasty spider bites. But it’s just nice to not always have to do the dirty work. Especially when you’re always around girls or men who are too afraid to do it themselves. I mean, I want them dead but they skeave me out too, guys!
4. Someone to Watch Scary Movies and TV Shows With.
I’m a little skittish (god, I’m starting to sound like a tiny, tiny dog) and watched a lot of CSI-esque shows back in the day. So I usually end up overanalyzing every little noise in my house, 1000% convinced someone is trying to murder me. I went through a haunted maze recently and did the whole thing looking at my shoes with my ears plugged not because it was particularly terrifying at the time but because I was so on edge I was jumping just at the corn rustling in the breeze. Having a boyfriend was like having this weird, reassuring entity that Michael Myers wasn’t going to jump out of the screen or from behind the chain link fence I paid $25 to walk through and make me leap out of my skin. My gay best friend just doesn’t have the same effect. (Sorry, boo.)
5. Someone to Crack My Back for Me.
Yes, I know it’s not good for me and is probably slowly giving me scoliosis, but a really big part of me just doesn’t give a shit. I have never been able to figure out how to pop my own back and the feeling of knowing it needs to pop but not being able to get it to is just so damn uncomfortable. Having a boy who could do it in a snap (pun intended?) was wonderful.
6. Endless Amounts of Flannels and Oversized Button-Ups to Steal.
It’s probably partially because I’m going through a Kate Moss/early 90’s grunge phase at the moment but these shirts have the exact right shape and look when paired over lady clothes. And sure — you can buy them for yourself; I have and will continue to. But there’s something about having that already broken-in, soft-from-being-washed-so-much, lived-in flannel that’s so nostalgic and full of vomit worthy cute feelings. It’s our almost grown up version of stealing your boyfriend’s hoodie from the skate park in the 8th grade.
7. The Random Boy Accoutrements that End Up in Your Apartment.
You know when you don’t technically live together but all of your stuff starts to end up at the other person’s place? I kind of love that. You wake up on some casual morning alone and there’s a pair of their jeans tucked over in the corner, a toothbrush in the bathroom, their soap in the shower. There’s a little proverbial trail of bread crumbs that remind you of them scattered in random parts of your place and it’s like they’re saying hi without having to even be there. Added bonus if they leave food in your fridge because then you can eat it and they are not allowed to get mad at you because you do naked stuff with them.
8. Free Tech Support.
Maybe it’s just the guys I have dated or the fact that I simply CANNOT with technology. But I always find myself battling with the Wifi or my phone or Netflix on the smart TV and then they swoop in like the Batman of the HDMI connector and fix everything. And it’s really convenient to not have to speak to Dave at Apple for 35 minutes explaining that I have no clue what he is talking about, I just want to watch Grey’s Anatomy on my TV in peace and it won’t let me. The boyfriends know to not ask me questions because I won’t be able to answer them; instead, they just fix it. I live in a much more peaceful world with technology when there is a boyfriend to intervene.
9. Someone to Get Overly Excited About Holidays With.
I am most likely feeling weird about being single because it’s late October and in the good ol’ US of A that’s the tipping point before all of our major holidays. But having someone to plan Thanksgiving with and get really pumped about finding the perfect Christmas gift for? It’s my favorite. Holidays with friends are excellent, don’t get me wrong. I love looking at Christmas lights and quoting Friends Thanksgiving episodes with really anyone if I’m being honest here. But with the holiday parties (see #1 and #2), the inevitable technological gifts I won’t be able to figure out (#7) and then the holidays overall, it’s just nice to have a boyfriend during this time.
10. Someone Else to Walk the Dog when it’s Early and Raining.
She’s my dog and I love her but sometimes when it’s wet and cold and 7am, taking her outside is the last thing I want to do. It was one of the simplest, sweetest things boyfriends would do for me without being asked, just because. That and not being a little bitch (heyoooo ‘nother pun) about it when I let her sleep on the bed.
11. My Mom will Actually Talk About Them With Me and Take Me Seriously.
I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been casually dating more these days or we just don’t have that sort of relationship where we talk about boys but my mom does not really show any interest in hearing about a man friend if he doesn’t have a label. I remember one of the last times I was kind of excited about a guy and I told her I had met someone her exact reaction was “Oh really? Another one?”
Ouch, mother. Way to RUB IT IN. I already do not understand how you were engaged by 24, thanks for making me question my own decisions and life path even MORE there, Ma. I like being able to pick her brain about relationships and she just kind of won’t if it’s not something with longevity. I want to be able to talk about boys with my mom, okay?!
(This is me whining about my sad, first world problems wrapped in a really over-priced American Apparel hoodie, eating some cookie butter with a BPA- and Phthalate-free spoon.)