These days I have a Tinder account and use it more for entertainment than anything else but also keep it around because it’s, admittedly, kind of addicting. After some vodka sodas my bestie and I will get swipe happy and then the next morning looking over the screenshots is like looking over the spoils of war. I may turn all of the screenshot-ed profiles one of my friends has sent me into a scrapbook for her for Christmas. (M, if you just read that FORGET I EVER SAID IT and also make me one too please.) Still, every few weeks or so I’ll start to think I could be serious about it… but then I’ll swipe my way through one too many dick pics or dudes with only blurry, Android gym selfies and I’ll throw my phone across the room feeling really bad about the current state of humanity.
Let’s pretend for a second that I was opening up Tinder as something other than app style people watching, hookup central, or as further solidification that men are fucking bizarre. Let’s go back to a time before all of the naked moments and gross one liners, back to the age of innocence. These are the things that dudes are doing that just INSTANTLY let me know it’s not happening. Not for the long haul or even for one night. #sorrybro
1. Your main photo is with a girl.
Why!? I don’t care that she’s your sister — literally NO WOMAN is going to look at you with your arm around another XX chromosome-having being and think “They look so much like each other! I wonder if they get their eyes from their mom or dad…” As someone who’s been propositioned to be in a three-way at least a few times a month since joining any sort of online dating site, family member or even friend is the LAST place I’m going to assume she came from.
Heads up, we’re all assuming she is either:
– An ex-girlfriend (Why are you flaunting her around? Are you still into her? Are you looking for someone to replace her?)
– Your current girlfriend (Maybe you’re a lady who is into that; personally I’m not. I also believe in full disclosure from the get-go.) OR,
– You just want everyone to know how much of a player you are. Spoiler alert: we all just think you’re a douche.
2. You quote Fight Club anywhere on our profile.
We get it. You totally relate to Tyler Durden and Chuck Palahniuk like “just gets you.” A Fight Club quote/reference is to a guy what “Live.Laugh.Love” is to a girl. I tried to keep my judgement to a minimum one time when a guy was talking about how he was into the book and Palahniuk’s writing in general…but then why would you choose the most obvious title? I’m a book snob, sue me.
3. You’re a group shot abuser.
Every article or list or really anything written criticizing people on Tinder has this point on it, somewhere at some point. But it’s a repeat complaint for a reason. How am I supposed to know which dude you are when every single picture has at least four other faces to weed through!? This is Tinder. I am not going to sit there analyzing facial structure and noses and hair lines until I’m pretty sure I know which one you are. This is not Where’s Waldo, and you are not getting laid.
4. Your only sentence/words in your profile are your Instagram account.
You make that ‘gram account just for Tinder? Or are you just trying to get more followers? Bonus points if that’s the only thing you made the effort to type out, and then the account is private. You are one twisted son of bitch.
Make no mistake, I’m going to Instagram and stalk the ever-living shit out of your pictures. But I’m not going to follow you, oh no. And all you did was prove just exactly how self-centered you really are.
5. There is a baby in your profile picture.
Woah, woah, woah, woah, WOAH.
Pump the brakes there, champ. We have not even said hello and you’re already laying all of that stuff out there on the table? That’s a lot of info to throw at a girl who’s just trying to Tinder and watch Criminal Minds on a Tuesday night! There’s a difference between being honest and TMI.
Also you have a photo of your baby on an app that has a pretty solid reputation for PURELY being about getting some. You don’t feel weird about that? Not even a little? Mmmm…okay. Well now I’m questioning your parenting skills and fairly certain that that kiddo is going to need therapy.
6. You use weird acronyms like KCCO.
I don’t know what it stands for and I don’t feel like searching Urban Dictionary so I’m going assume it’s either a frat or a secret society and it’s all you’re going to talk about. Now before you get all #notallmen on me you have to at least own up to the fact that if it was important enough to include after your one sentence description of yourself, it’s probably pretty important to you. And the acronym thing makes me feel like it’s a club I wasn’t invited. Frankly, it just freaks me out.
7. Your tattoos make you look like an Ed Hardy ad.
Hey, you paid for it, you signed the consent form, you knew it was forever. I have tattoos too but if your entire chest looks like you belong in a club with Michael Lohan or Jon Gosselin there is just no way. No way in hell. I’m glad you love them, I’m glad they’re “just who you fuckin’ are,” I’m also so, so glad I will never have to see them in person.
8. You only have one photo.
You only have one picture to your dating profile? Well I only have one word: Catfish.
9. You thought the fedora was a good idea.
Okay, do you live under a rock with no access to the internet? Literally every online publication or forum or really ANYWHERE all have the same overwhelming opinion that unless you are a 1940s gangster or Justin Timberlake from Future Love/Sex Sounds you have absolutely no business putting on a fedora. Who told you that looked good? You now have everyone’s permission to go up and bitch slap them because they lied to you and allowed you to let yourself look like an asshole.
10. You tell me to “take a chance and swipe right.”
Even if I think you’re cute, I’ll probably swipe left just out of principle because that is such a stupid line. You can’t tell me what to do, Tinder boy!