10 Thoughts While Watching “Taken 3”

*Spolier Alert!*

I don’t watch action movies. I honestly don’t have the attention span needed to stay with the plot. Last week I was forced to see Taken 3 during a last minute date idea (Annie wasn’t playing at the time and I didn’t want to torture him by making him see Into the Woods). It was then, sitting through the third surprise car chase that I remembered all of the reasons why I don’t watch action movies. Here are 10 thoughts I had while watching Taken 3.

1. I have no idea who the main character is but how the hell is he so thin?…Like, how much is this guy working out? He has the body of a twenty two year old college guy. I wonder how long he has to run each day to maintain that figure. Isn’t every overweight guy with his wife feeling kind of insecure right now? I thought women had an unrealistic standards of beauty, I mean sheesh. His legs are so long…kind of hot…are action movie actors always super tall? Is that what it takes?

2. Oh here is the wife…of course she is mega super hot. Is everyone in this movie super skinny and tall? Is this some alternate world where everyone is fit as hell? I guess all this would make more sense If I had seen the second movie. Oh she is already going to cheat on her current husband…of course. Well, with an ex husband with the body of a twenty two year old college kid but the face of a sophisticated grown man…

3. Of coarse the main plot point for his daughter is that she is pregnant. They always do that. Now not only do I have to care about her ass getting killed but now her baby too?! There’s so much more to lose now! But why do I actually not care if if she dies?…Maybe her character will develop and I will soon.

4. Insert bald black police guy that has the responsibility of hunting DILF down..now all we need is the scene of him hugging his children and telling his wife he will be home soon to make us anxious that he doesn’t die too.

5. I don’t want to be the feminist bitch here but why is every woman in this movie utterly useless? The daughter has done nothing but sit silently in rooms crying, getting in the way and running up to people, hugging them and crying. You would think by now she would be used to the crazy stuff DILF dad keeps getting her into.

6. How can they not see the new dad who is equally as DILFish is a part of the bad side, I mean, not once did they suspect that…seriously?

7. *Sigh.* Another car chase? This is like the fifth one so far. What was the budget for this? How much money are they putting in car chases and explosions alone? And does anyone stop to think of how many people are having a shit day now because he decided to drive in the direction of traffic on a busy highway? I hope they all have Geico…am I the only one thinking this? *looks around theater.*

8. The daughters skin is so ridiculously clear and baby-like it makes me not like her. I mean is that CGI or something? Who is her dermatologist because wow…bravo. DILF dad needs to get the hook up…wait, how come all the men have normal wrinkles for their age but the women don’t? And I’m still not invested in baby skins character enough to care if she lives or dies. Hell, they haven’t brought up the pregnancy in so long I almost forgot she was.

9. Man this is just dragging on and on…so is baby skin going to die or not? That is all we need to know and we can go home and rest easy.

10. Does DILF dad not have any emotions at all? I’m not even convinced that he cares whether or not anyone lives or dies in his life. He is so emotionless, I mean, did he literally just read the script and they were like, ‘this is the guy.’Because that is how much effort he is putting into delivering these lines right now.

11. Ugh finally he killed the bad guy…*20 minutes later* ohhmyyygoodd are you serious? It’s not over?! Another chase scene you have GOT to be kidding me. What happened did the producers think this was going to keep it interesting? Because we all knew DILFish was bad except DILF dad and baby skin so we didn’t even get the benefit of being shocked. Like this family is going to be messed up for life…Seriously? Are they really trying to pawn this off as a happy ending? Because we both know they are going to try to bank off of a Taken 4 and baby skin and her kid are next on the hit list. Then who will be left? His uncle? Woooow I feel so bad that my date spent twenty bucks on this load of crap.

*date turns to me*
“How was it?”
*I smile sweetly.*
“Great!”