Tip one: Be too broke to buy food. You heard it here first folks. Growing up in my home we would literally go through times where the pantries were so empty even a mouse would starve. The countless times me and my brother ate bread with sugar and butter on it as a sweet treat makes me shudder. But that is the key folks! Be too broke to buy food. In less than three weeks you will practically loose your taste buds and eventually barely require it at all!
Tip two: Sporadically go on extreme fitness binges. Basically, decide one morning that you want to look like a Victoria’s Secret model. Create a fitspo tumblr blog, work out hard core every day for a few months until eventually you become lazy again and stop exercising completely. I have done this for YEARS and the results are astonishing! You too can be thin all the time. Start out by subscribing to Maxim, and watch the pounds roll off.
Tip three: When you are home alone dance like no one is watching. I practice this technique almost every time I know I will not be seen by anyone. One home alone session can burn off at least 100 calories. So turn on that Beyonce and that twerking how-to video and get poppin’!
Tip four: Eat lots of pastries. Apparently that is the key because If I go even a week without having some form of cupcake or Cinnabon something is wrong.
Tip five: Be tall. Literally you can’t go wrong with this technique. I’m 5’9 and have used life-changing method for all of my life. It’s foolproof. Be blessed with good genes so you can slide right into-your jeans! Watch as the food you eat effortlessly decomposes in your body and distributes itself evenly throughout your thighs and stomach. You’ll be thin in 1-2-3! Or shall I say, 6‘3.
Tip six: Walk a lot. When you run out of gas as much as I do and have to walk anywhere if you want to eat that day you are bound to lose a couple pounds!
Tip seven: Stress the fuck out. And I mean about everything, no holds bar! All that stress will just melt the pounds away. Being too sad to eat is an added bonus that I have tried and tested throughout my whole life. And for added pound removal order my latest DVD: How To Go Through a Catastrophic Breakup.
Tip eight: Binge! That is what I have done for years! Eat an entire bag of potato chips and a stack of crab legs with a pound of butter while you’re crying over a sports illustrated magazine and just watch the pounds float away! follow this by throwing away all of your junk food in a tear-filled rage. The energy you use to drag your forty-pound bag to the dumpster will burn 50 calories!
Tip nine: Stay single. Your lonely ass won’t ever be taken out to dinner, therefore less resturaunt temptation!
Tip ten: Basically eat everything in sight, don’t give fuck and you’ll be fine.