Being single sucks. I know there are all those articles out there about how great it is to be single, how empowering it is to never have anyone kiss you on the mouth…ever, how you can self-discover as you devour your jug of ice cream alone while binge-watching Grey’s Anatomy.
But those are usually women who are in and out of relationships as quickly as they are their skinny jeans and having a breather from dating for them IS enjoyable. But for us girls out there that literally CAN’T get boyfriends because we are either horridly insecure, religious, socially awkward or just plain undateable; I’m sure we can all rally together and agree….it sucks. Here’s why:
Nobody to cuddle with
Unless you count clutching your own body due to the cold draft of the empty space beside you as cuddling, single people are perpetually inhuman in the amount we AREN’T being touched. And isn’t cuddling supposed to be therapeutic? Like, after a long hard day you snuggle in bed next to your significant other as he caresses your butt cheek? Yeah no. Us singles get to cuddle with a jug of Ben & Jerry’s and if we’re lucky, our cat.
Nobody to help in times of sudden need
Tire blows? Oh well, hope you have insurance or took the time to learn how to change a tire. Need something heavy carried to your apartment? Time to bring in the big guns yourself. One of the most annoying things about being single is those times when you’re just like, ‘damn, would be really nice to have a bf right now,’ as you try and fail to assemble your new cat tree (true story). (I’m a feminist).(sort of.)
No wild passionate sex
A vibrator doesn’t exactly do it like a real, living, breathing, speaking, crying-after-sex person.
No one would notice if you’re dead
Seriously. If I were to die tomorrow it would probably take an estimated three-plus weeks before someone noticed. I wish I was joking. And maybe your situation isn’t as dire, but most single people’s three friends that never call would probably take like a week. All single people should have bath mats…just in case.
No one to force your emotional breakdowns on
At least on your period you have an excuse to be a total bitch to your boyfriend and he will just sort of take it because he knows it’s just mother nature’s devil coming alive in you. But when you’re single and wanting to punch someone in the face the only thing you can do is just cry about it. No boyfriend around to hold you and tell you that you can punch his face all night if that’s what it takes. (John Green quote, look it up).
No one to try new things with
Sometimes there are things that you would just want to try with a significant other. Like hiking, or sky diving, or pottery making, or yoga….okay maybe not yoga. You know no matter what, your boyfriend will agree to try these things with you as long as you give him blow later…lol jk no but seriously because he LOVES you lol. And damn at least you always have a date to the wedding/dinner party/movie night/life.
Valentines day, Christmas, Halloween, Thanksgiving
These are just a few of the plethora of reasons why being single sucks ass. So go out, and be single no more!