I have a friend who has dates with herself. She’ll rent a movie she’s been wanting to see, cook herself a super fabulous dinner and have a date night. I think this is a really good idea. I’m all about being by myself. I mean, I’ll socialize but most of the time, given the choice, I’d rather be alone. I go to movies alone, I go shopping alone, I go to the coffee shop alone. I’m down with alone time.
So, when my husband Tim went on his annual guys’ trip to Vegas recently, I decided I wanted a Me Date. I knew it wouldn’t go down quite like my friend’s Me Date. I mean, my friend is a good cook. She probably makes herself Veal Parmesan and opens up a nice bottle of Pinot Noir. She probably rents an obscure arty film and watches it as she finishes her four course meal. She probably understands the obscure arty film, which she can forever after reference in conversations.
My Me Date, however, went more like this:
7:01 I start to get really hungry. I open the fridge and look inside. I give up and go check Twitter.
7:07 I tweet something about wearing ironic shirts. It’s pretty bad.
7:12 I google “Care Bear pajamas that don’t suck.”
7:14 I wander into the kitchen again and open the freezer. I see a bottle of Tito’s Vodka. I open that bottle and make myself a drink.
7:22 I finish that drink.
7:23 I put my dog Hogie in his skunk costume. He walks around looking bored.
7:25 I take Hogie out of his skunk costume. He flops on his bed looking bored.
7:30 I decide to rent myself a movie from iTunes. It’s gonna be great. I will rent something I’ve been wanting to watch that the husband wouldn’t dig like a horror flick or a dumb romantic comedy or something with Ryan Gosling.
7:35 I’m rolling my eyes at iTunes. There has to be something I want to watch. Something. Anything.
7:38 I’m starting to get pissed off. Surely some movie has come out in the past year that I want to see!
7:40 through 7:43 I hover over the “Buy Now” button for Magic Mike. That could be hilarious, I think. Totally great in, like, the worst way possible. Perfect Me Date movie. Naked guys! But, I heard it’s really bad and do I really want to spend 5 bucks on something horrible? But, naked guys!
7:44 I throw my AppleTV remote across the room in disgust. It lands on my dog’s bed. He sniffs it, snorts, goes back to sleep.
7:45 I am making a new drink while walking around the kitchen on my toes. I do some dance steps from high school. I look out the dining room window and wonder if anyone can see me. I salute just in case.
7:50 I’m looking in the fridge again. Then in the cabinet. I eat three Trader Joe’s pita crackers while leaning against the counter and sighing.
8:00 I decide I’m going to make popcorn. My Me Date will be all about vodka and popcorn and, just, you know, me time! I DO WHAT I LIKE, YO!
8:05 I add popcorn to the oil in the weird pot I’ve decided to use. Tim usually makes the popcorn. He uses a giant pot but I’m not making as much so I choose a small one. We do it all old school because it tastes better and because he makes it and I don’t have to do it usually so we don’t have any bagged popcorn in the house. I can do this, I think. I don’t need no man!
8:07 The lid shoots off the weird pot and popcorn erupts everywhere. I grab a dish towel and start swatting at it. Hogie jumps off of his bed and runs into the kitchen. He’s smiling as big as he can and biting the air. It is raining popcorn and Hogan McSmalls has never ever been so happy in his whole life. Instead of retrieving the lid or turning off the stove like a normal person would, I watch Hogie and almost pee myself laughing while popcorn hits me in the face. There is popcorn in my hair, in the sink, in Hogie’s water dish, in the hanging fruit basket and all over the counter. There is no popcorn on the floor because the dog has eaten it all.
8:10 I pull myself together and get a lid on the pot. I turn the stove off.
8:11 through 8:30 I clean the kitchen. I have to mop and scrub and scrape burnt oil off of the burner. I still don’t know what happened and how I messed up making popcorn. I am amused at this but still hungry. I lament the fact that I didn’t video the whole thing.
8:33 I decide I don’t want popcorn anymore (I’m scared) so I make some toast. I eat toast and some almonds sitting on the kitchen counter.
8:36 through 11:00 I watch 4 episodes in a row of Hart Of Dixie. I consider tweeting about Hart Of Dixie. Talk myself out of it. I’ve been traumatized enough for one night. I also eat a Caramello bar that has been in our kitchen since the 90s. It tastes terrible and old. I eat the whole thing. As I chew, I text everyone I know.
11:03 I take the dog out to pee wearing yoga pants and rain boots. He is not wearing yoga pants and rain boots, I am wearing yoga pants and rain boots even though it is not raining. The dog is wearing nothing but an ‘I had so much popcorn’ smirk.
11:11 I get in bed. I pretend to read for thirty seconds.
11:20ish I fall asleep. It’s a miracle.
So, my Me Date didn’t go so well. Or, it didn’t go so well for me. I’m pretty sure Hogie had fun. I’m just an awful date. I don’t know how to show a me a good time. I can do better. I deserve better. Next time, I’m gonna really wow me! Next time I’ll be the perfect date! Next time I’ll order pizza.