Dearest J.J. Abrams,
Hi, J.J. Abrams. You’re directing the new Star Wars flick! That’s swell, man. I liked your Star Trek movie. Good job casting hot guys. I liked, um, Felicity. I didn’t get Super 8, dude, but whatev. I’m sure this new movie will be great! In fact, I have some ideas. Here they come! Aren’t you stoked?!
1. TIE GUN
Picture this: TIE Pilot training camp. Tom Cruise is the young hot up and comer. He’s the best TIE pilot the Empire has ever seen. He might be a little reckless, sure, but when push comes to shove, he’s the bucket head you want in the TIE fighter next to you. In one scene, he takes off his creepy black helmet, revealing a shining head of hair and some sweet aviator glasses. Take my breath away!
Princess Leia is in high school. She’s in with the popular crowd because she’s a freaking princess even though her name is Leia and not Heather. She starts dating this guy who wears a trench coat to be rebellious but things get ugly when she (ugh) accidentally kills all her friends and make them all look like suicides! Fuck me gently with a light saber! Lol!
Leia and Han take a few ewoks home with them so they can live happily ever after with fuzzy pets who know how to use tiny spears and slings and stuff. Everything is going well until Leia goes out for girl’s night (Chardonnay and bun braiding! Yes!) and leaves Han to care for the ewoks. He gets drunk and puts them in the bathtub with him and they turn into Salacious B. Crumbs and they’re so ANNOYING! Agghhhh! Chaos ensuing! Uh-oh!
4. JEDI FIGHT CLUB
Luke is feeling listless now that he knows who his dad is and his sister is screwing his best friend and lots of people are all, you know, dead or whatever. He meets a guy named Skyler Durden who convinces him to start a club where they fight for fun. He runs into trouble when he keeps cutting people’s limbs off with his lightsaber but it’s OK because Skyler is really just a Jedi mind trick he’s playing on himself! Oh, and there’s soap!
5. DANCING WITH WOOKIES
We visit the planet of the Wookies and see that on Kashyyk, dancing is life. The big fuzzy lumps may speak Shyriiwook, sure, but the language of dance is universal. You might lose your mind watching these amazing dance scenes but be careful you don’t lose your heart. Aaaahhhhuuurrrrrmmmph.
6. THE SHINY
C-3PO takes a job as a caretaker at a huge hotel in the middle of nowhere. He figures he can write his memoirs. He brings R2-D2 along for company but as the days go by and his writing stalls out, it is obvious something else is going on. Are they alone in the hotel or is it full of droids from the past? As the days take their toll, C-3PO loses his shit and chases R2-D2 through mazes and such. You can roll but you can’t hide from THE SHINY.
7. LANDO’S DAY OFF
Lando Calrissian steals the Millenium Falcon from Han for a day of fun. Chewie comes along for the ride but spends the day mainly freaking out about what Han will say when he finds out. Does Han really love him? They dine at a fancy space restaurant, sing in a cool space parade and go to an Intergalactic baseball game where they get put on the big screen for the Kiss Cam. This will be just great. Calrissian. Calrissian. Calrissian.
Venkman, Ray, Egon and, um, Ernie Hudson show up to blast Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda and good ole’ Darth into oblivion. They ain’t afraid of no force. The end.
OK, those are my ideas, J.J. Abrams. You don’t have to credit me, just remember that all movies should include at least one ewok, even if it’s in the background. Also, it might be cool if Han has some tattoos or a beard or something. Maybe sleeves? I dunno, just spitballing here. Anyway, I’m excited to see my vision on the big screen soon. Hollah at me if you need any more help!