I Have Hope That I’ll Find Better Than You


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This isn’t your normal letter. This isn’t the, “I can’t believe you’d hurt me” letter. This isn’t the “Why did you leave me?” letter. This is the “I have hope.” letter.

You were a rush. A breath of fresh air springing for the bottom of the deep end. You made me think. Think harder than I have in a long time. You had me up late, from far away. Daydreaming, imagining. My head on my soft pillow. Your soft hands. Oh, how soft they were against my damaged spine. Your sly words rolling off your tongue. I can still see your grin. You will never know how that flash of a smile made me feel. I guess some things are left for you to wonder. I hope you wonder.

I hope you realize what you lost. Not now. I hope you don’t hurt now like I do. I hope you hurt later. They say time heals, and it will. But I hope your band aid falls off. I hope your scars are exposed. I hope your black coffee that you love gets bitter. I hope your favorite show is not as good as it used to be. I hope the things that once made you happy, start to dim.

Now you see boy, I don’t wish the worst for you. But I sure as hell don’t wish the best. I only hope for you. I hope that you realize you don’t love her. I’ve seen your eyes when you talk about something you love. Their light. They blur when you are sad. Silly boy. She doesn’t love you either.

I want to thank you, boy. Although I am still sad, my strength has already started to piece together. While my heart hangs as heavy as my eyelids, I still have hope. I have hope for the future. Do you want to know why, boy who hurt me? Because of you.

I have hope. I have hope that there is greater love out there.

I wonder if you will ever find that love, boy. I hope that your heart isn’t as heavy as mine. I hope it’s heavier. I hope your days become longer, and lonelier.

I hope you remember my kind words. I hope you remember my gentle hands and soft lips. They would have touched you oh so tenderly, and loved you oh so deeply. But you didn’t care. She was the tender touch you wanted when I was gone. She was the filler.

Was she better, boy? Did she give you the rush I gave you? The gasps and chills that came across your body while we laid together? I hope she didn’t. I hope after you let go of her sheets, you were miserable. I hope sadness and loneliness filled your heart. I hope your mind was blank and my name filled it. I hope you felt my skin and heard my laugh.

I have hope, boy. I have hope that there is a tomorrow. There is another heart that will appreciate how much love I can give. I thought you were the one I would give it to, boy. But now I must continue to hope. I hold my head high even though you made it hang low with tears. I stand tall now even though you made my back hunch with sadness.

So, thank you boy who hurt me. I don’t have hope because of you, I have hope because I know my ability to persevere. Maybe it just took a boy like you hurting a girl like me, to realize my true potential. TC mark

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