Even When My Mind Wanders It Always Comes Back To You

God & Man

I wish I could say we had this beautiful love story that you see in the movies. But we didn’t. I want to tell everyone about the way you might have looked into my eyes or how softly you touched me, but I can’t. You know, I can’t even put a definition or label on what we were if I’m truly honest. I never asked for one and so you naturally for someone who wasn’t sure, you never gave me one.

I don’t know when you stopped wanting me but I always wanted you. I wanted it all. I wanted the cute dates. I wanted you on the background of my phone. I wanted you to be the person I woke up to every single morning. I wanted you to be the only person in the world for me. I wanted to be the only person in the world for you.

But, when I think about everything I didn’t get from you, it does hurt. There’s no exquisitely poetic way to put it. It hurt and hurt and hurt. I think about what we could have been or what we could have had together, the memories we still had to make and doing all of the fun things we talked about doing. When I remember the unanswered questions or the hours spent waiting for you to show up, the anger creeps in but it passes quickly.

I wish I could hate you sometimes. I’ve really tried to, but I just can’t.

Instead of us, I had uncertainty, insecurity and confusion and whilst these have all the makings of a bitter ex-love, I could never have predicted what you did give me would top that. You gave me a sense of self that I have never had before. I saw the insecure parts of myself that came out ugly; the rolls on my stomach that might have turned you away and the recklessness that you so often told me I needed to get under control, but you also gave me something I can’t do justice with words. You gave me a vision into my future. Things I seemed so unsure of before you – marriage, kids and a life with just one person now feel so much more attainable and beautiful. You showed me that I did want these things that I’d always been too afraid to want. You made me see that I’m worth that to someone and if it’s not you, it can and will be someone else, no matter how much I still consider you to be ‘my person’.

I’m not one of these people that can rush into a relationship after relationship, never really knowing who or what I am. I’m what people call a free spirit, lost in my own thoughts and not caring about the consequences. I’ve learned that I can be too intense by being too honest and I can be too cold by being too guarded. I can want something one minute and the next it’s out of my mind. I’m what I suppose they call ‘fickle’.

But you. You stuck. You didn’t wander out of my thoughts. You didn’t just seem attractive for a quick fix. You were a future for me once. You still make your way into my mind more than I would like to admit and I think you always will do.

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