I know it seems like nobody will understand, and that nobody new will want to take the risk. The risk of being a part of your story, the story that you’re building day by day.
But also, the story that has chapters of sorrow and darkness. I know it seems that maybe your past is too much for someone else.
I know you get scared to have to explain yourself, and the things that have molded and built you. How your heart was wrecked and might still be. Why even when you say you aren’t broken, there are still pieces that aren’t put together just right yet.
I’m sure you’re thinking that nobody will want to bear your burdens, or be interested in the bits of you that are still unknown. I bet you’re asking yourself how you can trust yourself to trust another again, or even ever at all.
Because you know that if you stay unaccompanied, there’s no danger in failing, and when all you’ve known is leaving, the safety net of life is solidarity.
And I know there are times, when you wonder what kind of person would want to dig into the depths of you, the parts that you aren’t sure you want to be seen again. To have to explain who people are, who people were, and who people will forever be. And who you were before all of it happened.
That when you think of your life as a whole, your past is the largest part. And you ask yourself if taking someone down that unrecognizable road is even worth it. For you, but mostly for them.
I know you contemplate the struggles, the small moments that took away joy and replaced even the most hidden places of your soul with scars. And if I’m right, you’re scared to acknowledge that your scars are real.
And you ask yourself, who would choose to be a part of something that only seems real because you were the one that lived it.
But don’t worry, it’s okay to feel this way. To feel like you’ll never really “be ready.” To answer the endless, “how are you single?” with a mere smile and a quick joke.
Because being alone comes easily. Easily used, easily balanced, easily perfected. It’s you. And you don’t have to explain it to anyone else.
But to think of the wall that guards your happy heart and freeing soul, coming down for another. That’s a game that you are fearfully anxious to play. So you sit on the sidelines, proud of the independence that you have built. But the scars of your past are just that. In the past.
So take your time, because I’ve realized that the more times you lose yourself, you end up coming back with more of yourself than you ever had before.
Be honest, be real. Somebody won’t only fall in love with your smile and grace, but they’ll fall in love with the scars, your unsteady moments, the hellfire, the war you went through.
They’ll fall in love with the things that make you, you.
And when that happens, take it, keep it. And restore yourself in it.
“And I think maybe, I was designed to be alone.”
You are pure fire, burn bright.