So Maybe I Want You To Miss Me

Missing you comes in waves, sometimes they drown me. Some days the waves of missing you are so strong it feels as if I’m being held down by high tides. It’s never a feeling I want to have. No one wants to feel suffocated by a feeling they can’t control. It’s not always a bad thing though. Some of those days when the waves are drowning me I just sit there and take it all in. All the joy, all the pain, all the memories. Everything that made you and me. I let it all emerge me. Some days I cry, and some days I smile. Other days I don’t think of you at all.

So maybe I want you to miss me. So maybe I want you to feel consumed with all the emotions of me. I don’t want you to feel the suffocation like I do, not often anyway. Some days I wish you had the slightest idea so that maybe you would be more considerate of me. It would be nice if you didn’t try to pop in every time you felt lonely. Saying anything possible to get me to give into you. Those games they get tiresome, honey. I don’t want to pick up the phone when you call anymore. I don’t want to comfort you anymore. Damnit for once I want you to miss me. And I mean really miss me. I want you to feel how horrible it is to do without when you’re in need. I want your mind to turn into a hurricane with thoughts of me. I want you to look outside, see the sunshine, and think of my smile. I want you to hear the rain on your roof and have a rush of warmth thinking of my presence. I want you to get angry when it storms; when the thunder rolls and the lightning strikes. I want you to feel the regret hit you. I want it to sink in.

I want you to drown in the waves of all those emotions the way you’ve made me drown for so long. I want you to feel it all, and when you feel like you can’t breathe— I want you to know that I’m not worth it. I was never worth it to you. For you to have just thrown me around like a doll. I was never worth your time when you had a choice. I’m not worth that ache you feel now that you know it’s all over. There’s no relief, no lifeguard to save you from this wave. All I ask is that when you experience this emotional hurricane that you don’t come back to me. I don’t want you anymore; I don’t want to save you anymore.

So maybe I want you to miss me, just this once. Maybe if you feel what I’ve been consumed with for so long, maybe just maybe, you won’t drown me again.

So maybe I want you to miss me, but missing me is all. Don’t waste your time trying to tell me that you miss me. Please, just let me be. I never bothered you when I missed you. I never did anything except give in to your every request. I’ve found peace in your sea. I’ve found peace sitting on the shore alone watching the waves crash. I’ve found peace with being just me. So when you start missing me, please, just let me be.