I Lost Myself Trying To Love You

Trigger warning: domestic abuse

Like that cloudy blue sunrise in the early morning, that’s when I think about you. When the light cast breaks through my window, disrupting my peaceful slumber, that is when I think about you. Not because of the peace, but because of the breach in my peace.

I swore I wanted forever with you, and at the time, I did. I swore I would be what you needed, and I tried. Lines are hard to draw when you truly care about someone. They don’t appear as easily as those shadows on my face from the blinds. Lines in love aren’t always clear, and lord knows when you’re the one that has to draw them, they sometimes seem impossible.

I lost myself trying to love you. Every piece and part of me became nonexistent. I was so overwhelmed with you, all of you. Every piece and part of me wanted every piece and part of you. You asked, I did. You complained, I fixed. There was never a single time that our relationship was about me. I was so wrapped up in you that until I spent months broken, I never even realized that no effort was reciprocated back to me. Sad. Pathetic. I was both. It took me months of picking up the pieces of my own destruction to realize I tore myself apart for you. I tore myself apart for you with absolutely no effort or genuine love back.

Convenience is what it was. You knew I would do anything for you, and you used that to the destruction of myself. You watched me fall apart, yet didn’t see it. You watched me kill my physical, mental, and spiritual health for you. But all you could see was what I was doing for you. It didn’t matter what effect it had on me as long as the act was a benefit to you.

I also didn’t know. I felt myself withering away, but I didn’t realize I was losing every part of me to you. Looking back, I am completely dumbfounded at how I just didn’t know. Dumbfounded at how I didn’t see what I was letting you do to me—what I was doing to me for you.

I wouldn’t take it back. Not for one second, not for one less push, not for one less bruise on my body. I wouldn’t take it back for one less panic attack or full blown crying session. I wouldn’t take it back for one less night of you ignoring me or screaming at me. I just wouldn’t take it back.

Our relationship may have broken me, but my time spent rebuilding myself made me. There isn’t a soul on this earth I will ever settle for again. Not one person I will let make me feel less than or as if I don’t matter. I am a force to be reckoned with, and I thank you for that. Thank you for breaking me down to my very core. You gave me no choice but to restore myself. I decided to become who I always wanted to be. I decided to give up all my fear when you left. I stayed scared for what seemed like so long, even though time-wise, it wasn’t truly a long period of time. Living in fear can make days seem like months—panic sets in, anxiety shakes you to the core. Living in fear feels never ending in the moment. I won’t waste another moment in fear. Especially fear in love, fear in satisfaction, or fear in physical lashings. I love me now, and that something no one can take from me.