My phone dings late in the afternoon as the day is heading into night. I check the screen as it lights up with your name. Immediately, I roll my eyes. Read that again. I don’t smile. It doesn’t make me feel good. My inner goddess is certainly not dancing around. I’m annoyed. Straight up, without a shadow of a doubt, I am annoyed. Part of me wonders if you know that or if you just don’t get it at all. Could you really be that full of yourself?
I already know what you want. I’m not even going to open your message right away. Without reading it, I’m sure I can almost guess word for word what you have to say. I am doing fine. No, you and I are not “good”, and honestly, you don’t care. You don’t care about me or how I am doing, just like you didn’t care the last time we spoke a month ago. You went a month without speaking to me, yet I already know “I miss you” and “I need you” are dancing on the tip of your tongue, just waiting for the right time to make them as impactful as you can, when really you only care about finding out if you still have access to me. In your mind, you wonder three things: Will I still reply to you? Will I still come over? Will I still flirt with you and make you feel good about yourself?
No. The answer is no to all of the above, and quite frankly, the answer is no to everything you have to ask me. You don’t still have access to me. You’re so transparent, I can map your every move days before you make it. And damn, so far I’ve been right. Hence why I wasn’t shocked at your incoming message, still in the same time frame you always send it in. I also wasn’t surprised by every phrase that consumed the conversation and every temporary emotion you expressed.
Clearly you don’t have enough respect for me to consider my feelings. Why should I have respect for you? Why should I make you feel good about yourself while you make me feel so unworthy? I mean, it honestly isn’t your responsibility to make me feel worthy, but you certainly don’t have to go out of your way to make me feel less than. You are not superior to me. Why should I flirt with you and make you feel attractive while you make me feel so downright ugly? When truthfully, you are so confused and conceited inside it’s hard to even watch you operate. Why the hell should I come over to keep you company while you make me feel so damn alone? I do fine on my own. I am perfectly fine and in a much better headspace when you stay gone. I don’t need you, and you certainly don’t need me. Or maybe, truthfully, you do, because every time you’re in actual need of help emotionally, it’s always me you find that you need. Your pride never gets in the way when you are checking for access to me. This lets me know that you truly know exactly what you want; you’re not all that confused. It’s just a damn shame you have not a single emotion about anything other than getting your way.
Not this time. Not ever again. I am worthy. I am beautiful. I am enough. Access denied.