You know, when this moment came, I always thought I’d be so happy. Smiling from ear to ear, doing a little dance in my t-shirt and panties. Enjoying a power song because it took strength to get here. I thought the sunlight would warm my face and flush my cheeks. I thought it would be like a movie scene and filled with such relief.
I feel none of that.
I sit here with my heart aching, my chest not feeling heavy but empty. My thoughts are gone, nonexistent. I’m fully clothed, but I feel so naked. I know sometimes you have to go to grow. What I didn’t know is that going could hurt this bad.
All of these emotions, yet I’m at ease. It hurts, but I’m proud. I’ve dreamed about this moment. I never dreamed it would come like this, but I’m still proud.
I knew I would feel this way about you eventually. Your actions gave me no choice. Deep down, I always denied that I would end up here. Here is a place that I didn’t want to be. Here is a place where for once, I don’t want you, yet you want me. I don’t want a single part of you, and I feel relieved.
I’m going. I don’t know where yet, but it’s far from here. It’s far from you. I always needed to, but never wanted to until now. I finally realize there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I am the light. My life will not change unless I change. I will never move on from you if I keep holding on to you, giving up parts of me to take care of you. You were the most expensive thing I tried to keep. You cost me my peace. Here isn’t where I wanted to be—it’s where I needed to be.