Everything Changed When You Kissed Me


Wilco may have said it best at this point.

“You and I, we might be strangers; however close we get sometimes, it’s like we never met” 

I’m not sure how to tell you how happy you’ve made me, not in one of those mushy gushy sorts of ways, but in this way that I can finally see myself clearly for the first time in a long time. Despite the awkwardness of our relationship to one another, I am glad you exist. This is not one of those vague love letters that you hope the person it is about somehow just happens to see this on your tumblr; no this is a written reminder to myself that I am as good as you tell me I am and that I am thankful for your existence.

I get down on myself and you set my head straight, I feel sad and I whine about it and you patiently listen, I go off on weird tangents about places I’ve never been to, boys that will never like me, all the food I have eaten and animals in weird outfits and you still respond. You put up with my shit and for that I am thankful.

I don’t have many people in my life that if they left I would feel lost, but I would feel lost if you didn’t exist. Though I can’t tell you when we actually became friends, I do know it was done gradually on a steep slope; thanks to me. My eyes for you were different eyes than I have now, my intentions were different then.

I thought the day would come where we would have our Empire Records A.J. and Corey moment. You know the one where Corey pushes A.J. down on the rooftop, tells him how talented he is, confesses how much she loves him and then they awkwardly stare at each other all big eyed and makeout while ‘Til I Hear It From You” by the Gin Blossoms plays in the background. But that day never came because I am not Corey and you are not AJ and you did not have eyes for me.

I eventually accepted that fact months ago. I have separated my liking towards you and my friendship with you. Because friendship is much more important to me than anything physical. I have dated other men, you have dated other women and that was that, we were friends and I put my crush on you to rest.

But then you kissed me, my head spun in circles. I felt like it was all my fault, because I was being a needy, whiney, bitch going through a dry spell and you wanted to just shut me up. Because you knew how pathetic my crush on you used to be. Our kiss was short and awkward. My face felt hot, I was immensely clamy and I didn’t want to open my eyes because I didn’t think when I opened them it would actually be you. But it was, and that was the first time in years I felt whole.

It was the weirdest feeling, I wanted to die of embarrassment but I felt complete.

I never expected you to kiss me again and I don’t ever expect it to continue. I am not crushing over you now and I don’t plan on acting weird. I am just saying that 2 minute long kiss somehow made me actually believe all the things you’ve ever said to me good and bad and helped me see myself better as a person.

So maybe it was actually Duran Duran who said it best.

“Where is the life that I recognize? Gone away.” Thought Catalog Logo Mark

I am a photographer living in Brooklyn, who likes to ramble.

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