She always thought of herself as fearless, until she realized that being brave in the face of silly things like clowns, spiders and the dark isn’t really what fear is. Sure, her heart would race when she had to squash a spider into a tissue, or when a clown at a parade asked her if she wanted a balloon animal, but conquering those elevated emotions was simple because she could extend her hand, reach out and touch the fear.
What she was most afraid of was love and its ability to completely fill the spaces that surrounded her without leaving a footprint or even a sound. Love was never something she could wrap her finger around or lay her hand on and grab like a tissue to a spider. Love was more like air; she couldn’t see it or touch it, she just had to believe that it was there with blind faith. That was never enough for her. She valued certainty, structure. She liked the idea of pointing to something and knowing it was what it was, leaving no questions unanswered. To her, love was just a trick played on foolish people who fell for glamorous gestures and broken promises. Love was a mirage; fooling its victims into seeing something that wasn’t true. Love wasn’t something she could reach out, grab and hold onto forever, knowing it would stay.
To her, love was a very risky game of Jeopardy, with her heart as the leading contestant. She admired witnessing love between other people, maybe because it was easier, maybe because it was something she could watch from afar and leave her own heart out of.
She often thought that perhaps she would be more open to the idea of letting love in if she knew, without question, that it was in fact, love.
If each new potential partner was presented on a shiny, silver platter offering a true, detailed report card listing his greatest strengths and weaknesses, his flaws, addictions, and accomplishments. Maybe even the percentage of compatibility, so she’d know instantly if they would hit it off or not.
Over time and with some experienced based wisdom; she realized that the major thing about love is that, it’s simply not concrete like a list of someone’s likes and dislikes, flaws and accomplishments. It’s never set it stone, it’s constantly moving and changing like the wind. It’s not about a digital percentage of compatibility; it’s a science, it’s chemistry. It’s not something you can reach out with certainty and touch, it’s a feeling. It’s beautifully organic and unexplainable at times and this makes it one of the scariest parts of life.
When she learned to trust the process and conquer her biggest, abstract fear, that is when she truly became fearless.