Here I am eating dry mr.noodles (chicken flavor of course) out of the bag at the wonderful age of twenty three much like I did at the age of twelve because realistically old habits do not die.. Every morning I drink my coffee and watch breakfast television on mute, I make my lunch, I double check to see if the oven is off (even though I never ever cook) and as soon as I get home from work I go number 2.. GET OVER IT. Habits are like itty bitty subtle pieces of our personalities, they hardly change.. much like the habit of doubting every decision you’ve ever made..
and let me tell you one thing.. that is perfectly okay.
Baby faced and fresh out of college I walked straight into a real job, and quite frankly my dream job, the job I said I’d get and the job other people told me not to hold my expectations to high about, because really.. who get’s their dream job right out of college without some sort of connection?
I don’t really know, but I somehow did.. My mother blissfully says “You have horseshoes up your ass” So here I am, trying to fake it till I make it. At first it’s like those little gremlin things but before they get all creepy looking, it’s cute and cuddly and makes you feel all warm inside and then the next thing you know it’s pouring outside and it now wants to rip your face off (I’m guessing.. never actually watched the gremlin movie)
I am in a job that honestly requires you to know exactly what to say and when to say it, always. You have to be outgoing, and outspoken and I just can’t (can’t even to be precise) so as a quiet, shy young adult, I am stuck thinking “oh shit, what have I done?” I recently left a job interview (I thought if I magically got the job it would look amazing on a resume) feeling absolutely defeated..
This is not a good feeling.
“So can you tell me about some skills that you may possess that will benefit our team”
Me: Uhm.. no..
Okay, so it didn’t really go like that, BUT it pretty much went like that. Ya know? Did I just spend ten thousand dollars for a job that I can’t actually do?! NOW WHAT?! Well now.. I doubt spending ten thousand dollars on that silly diploma.
and that is perfectly okay.. it is perfectly okay because I am young, smart and have time to figure it all out.
Speaking of being young and smart, not only am I in a career that I may possibly not love? I am in fact very much IN love. Do I doubt that? Yes, every damn second of it. I do not doubt the fact that I am in love, because believe me I very much am, he is my moon, and my stars. I doubt the fact that our identities may not have become each other. I am him, and he is I and maybe that shouldn’t be. I lay tangled in him on our very tiny couch in our tiny little apartment and I can’t help but think.. is this what he wants? me? all day everyday? can he even breath because I am always there?!
We live as one, and I am doubting if that is a good idea. YET, as I lay there and doubt it all he slowly grabs my foot and states “those are the cutest little toes I think I will ever see” and all that doubt slowly washes away, because who am I to doubt a man who perfectly can voice his opinion? (even if it’s just on the cuteness of my toes) I should not doubt something unless given a reason to doubt it, and he has never done so.
Do not mistake though, with doubt can come relief and maybe that’s what we are searching for? the rush of feeling relieved after always feeling doubtful..
and you know what? it is perfectly okay.
I am told I am successful for my age, and that I should feel proud and happy, yet sometimes I just don’t. I am not in love with my life, I doubt it all, I want to travel and be free, and move to some island and sell banana’s and somedays I don’t. There are many more tomorrows to figure your life out. If you doubt the life you think you should love let me make it very clear…
THAT IS PERFECTLY OKAY.