It comes in waves, so it’s confusing. You shove it down because you deserved better. You deserve better to this day.
Even the shortest flashbacks set you back. Some only for a minute or two; others set you back the whole day, just leaving you there to drown in it’s fierce wave.
You could be doing perfectly fine then that one song plays. Or that one movie comes on TV. You hear that specific, stupid ringtone in public. You catch even a whiff of his cologne.
And that’s when you feel it. That burning in your chest, the ache in your stomach. It will never matter how hard you fight it. Those reactions are there because those feelings were real, even if they aren’t real, live, and currently playing a role in your life with him. Those feelings still existed.
The most excruciating thing in this life is that it doesn’t matter how much you care about someone. It doesn’t matter what you would do for them. It doesn’t even matter how hard you love them. None of these acts or feelings will make them care about you or love you back.
It flat out sucks, doesn’t it?
Sure, your friends and family will tell you that when you find someone who cares about you and loves you the way you need to be loved, all this confusion and heartache will make sense.
But what if that never really happens?
No, seriously, what if it doesn’t?
Learning to make yourself happy is the most important thing you can do. If someone amazing comes along, they will only be adding to your happiness. And if someone doesn’t come into your life, you can still love life and enjoy it.
Most of us don’t realize this until we experience that one, drop down, forty-second Conor McGregor knockout.
Most of us go cold for awhile. The thought of opening up to someone again makes you nauseous. You’d almost rather die than to try to trust someone again.
Stay alert, but don’t stay cold.
You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm—not anymore.
Don’t worry, you’re not alone.
Don’t settle. You are worthy.
Don’t block the world out. You’re allowed to just be guarded.
Don’t jump into someone. You can be alone without feeling lonely.
And that’s when you’ll feel it, that relief in your chest, because you are going to be just fine.