Let me tell you from firsthand lesbian experience: the kinds of things I hear on a somewhat daily basis are frankly hilarious. Whether I’m letting someone know “my deal,” talking about my relationships or just hearing you say an offhand comment (that you don’t realize is highly offensive), believe you me: I’m filing what you said away to laugh about with my friends later.
Even when I was polling a few friends to find out what things they wish would retire from daily conversation about lesbians, we started laughing because all of us are hearing the exact same things. Is this a nationwide phenomenon? Are lesbians like unicorns? Do people really not know how to interact with one?
Let this be your guide on how NOT to have a Successful Interaction With A Lesbian. I know we’re intimidating but honestly we only want to have normal conversations with you without getting secondhand embarrassment.
Full disclosure: I’ve heard all the below statements more than once, sometimes by strangers but more often from people I actually know.
1. “But you don’t look gay.”
I wish just one person could actually explain to me how one “looks” gay? What do I say to this? Sorry, I didn’t wear my lesbian uniform today.
2. “So you must like really butch/feminine girls.”
If I look “girly,” people seem to think I’m into masculine girls. If I look “butch,” they think I’m into lipstick lesbians. Either way, you seem to think one of us is “the man,” which is a little weird considering we’re both women.
3. “I thought you had a boyfriend before.”
I didn’t realize you were keeping tabs on this, but thanks for checking in. Trust me, at one point I was as confused as you are right now. Let’s move on.
4. “So you’ll have a threesome with me and my girlfriend?”
Dear lord, no. No, no, no. Your girlfriend and I are just going to go over here. Alone. Bye.
5. “Wow there’s a lot of girls in this bar.”
Yeah, there are. You’re in a lesbian bar, friend. Next time use your context clues; don’t just look in the windows and think it’s your lucky day. The sign outside is in rainbow colors. I’m not sure we could be anymore clear.
6. “You and your friend seem really close.”
That’s my girlfriend, but thanks. We are pretty close; that’s why we’re dating.
7. “You’re so sweet! Too bad I’m not gay.” OR “I wish you were a guy, I’d totally date you.”
I’m really flattered, but you confuse me. Do you want to date…? If so, let me know. You sound like you’re missing out.
8. Any and all questions about scissoring.
Please leave me alone. It exists. No, I don’t want to explain it to you.