Thought Catalog

The Different Types Of People You See At The Gym

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There are a few types of people that are always at the gym. I will explain these people, and your appropriate response should be to giggle silently while nodding in agreement.

The Girl You Want To Look Like. Hey, how’s it going? What am I doing? Oh, you know, nothing, just maintaining my perfectly sculpted abs and extremely rare, genetically magical metabolism. I actually don’t even need to be here, I just needed a reason to walk around in my bedazzled sportswear and other things made of shiny latex and gold. Oh, I’ve broken a sweat! My goodness! It must be time to go eat a double cheeseburger and drink multiple martinis. Good luck with your unsuccessful workout, and don’t forget to check out my ass as I walk away!

The Man Who Makes A Lot Of Noise. Wuhhhh…. Sssssss…. Ahhhrrggg….  Blarfff…. What?! I’m working really hard. Don’t you see how many pounds I’m lifting? That’s like curling 14 babies. Human babies. I am obviously allowed to loudly groan my way through the alphabet because my muscles are more important than your workout playlist. Don’t pretend like you aren’t impressed. This body won’t quit, and neither will my incessant groaning. And no, you may not get a rep in while I wipe the sweat from my overworked jugular.

The Person Who Needs To Prove Stuff. You know who you are. You are there because you just lost a fistfight. You are there because you got demoted at Golden Corral. You are there because your wife turned out to be a lesbian. You are there because your high school reunion is next month and eff those people. You are there because you desperately need to prove to yourself, and maybe the successful people in your life, that you’re still worth something. So while you may not be able to brag about any other part of your current existence, at lease you can complain about it while bench-pressing your own weight.

The Lady Who Needs Four Cheesy Gorditas. Whew! Sweating feels so good. I just love to run and run and run. In fact, when I get done running, I’m just going to run home because I can and I will. I am like the energizer bunny, except I am way more fit and have better self-control than any bunny I’ve ever met. I am going to take my 94-pound frame and work it until it cannot possibly work anymore. Did you feel that slight breeze? Yeah, me neither. That’s because when I run past you, I am so quick and so silent you won’t even know anyone was there. Ninja runner. That’s what I call myself. Want to see something cool? Look how many times you can wrap your hand around my thigh!

The Guy Who Wants Your Attention. I’m a gymnast! I’m a break-dancer! I’m a trapeze artist! The point is, you need to watch what I’m doing. Watch and learn. Well, actually, don’t learn because I want to be the only one who knows how to do this, so just watch and praise me with your eyeballs. Go ahead, take this machine. I don’t need machines. My body is a machine. My skills don’t need added resistance because you can’t resist looking at them already. If anyone needs advice, I will be selling my Skills DVD in the parking lot. Look for the guy in the bright shirt with amazing skills.

So the next time you find yourself watching reruns of The View while counting down time on the stair machine, take a look around the gym. It’s weirder that way. TC mark

image – BozDoz
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More From Thought Catalog

The Different Types Of People You See At The Gym is cataloged in , , , , ,
  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=227700865 Sheela Cheong

    2, 3 and 5 often found in the same specimen.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jamaicamalangmojica Jamaica Malang

    *giggling silently while nodding in agreement

  • Sunmyst06

    1 and 4 sound like the same girl. One who you want to look like and the other one, who you also want to look like. ?

  • DPTUM

    You forgot the creeper, who’s only there to watch #1 workout, as welll as the narcissis who is so pleased with the way he looks, he has to spend 5 minutes making zoolander faces at himself in the mirror after every 1 minute of actual exercise.

  • Reposting In My Ass M4F

    wtf… somebody already wrote this article here, you knucklehead

    • Guest

      wtf… who reads ALL the articles written in here, knuckle-bottom?

  • http://dirtyyoungmen.wordpress.com Maxwell Chance

    You forgot #6, Girl Who Silently Judges Everyone And Then Writes About Them In A Blog.

  • Sarge_40

    This wasn’t a very good article. You omitted the most important and included the rarest.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    do you even go to the gym? 

  • Munchimaid

    You forgot the old guy who needs a human  metronome. Out of 60 ellipitcals that are empty, he picks the one next to yours to try to keep up.  He doesn’t know how to work any of the buttons on the machine so he just stares at them and you most of the time he’s there.  Now you’re done for because his groove is throwing off your groove.  

  • Mike

    Wow…this is worse than a Kathy cartoon…

  • samantha

    -the teenage boys who linger around the weight machines in packs, ambling around casually for ~50% of the time they’re even at the gym.
    -the 40-something year old woman who does intense, ridiculous-looking work outs that involve lots of jumping up and down with her shirt pulled up.
    -the middle-aged man who spends an hour sweating on the elliptical.
    -the obese couple who walk on treadmills for about 5-10 minutes, who make
     you wonder whether their efforts are even worth anything.

  • Jessica

    The d-bag who wears sunglasses while working out, because it’s just so bright in the INDOOR gym

  • http://blog.carbonecars.com Carbone Blog

    ” Did you feel that slight breeze? Yeah, me neither. That’s because when I run past you, I am so quick and so silent you won’t even know anyone was there. Ninja runner. ”

    Seriously. Learn how to think a few sentences ahead before you try to write something more substantial than a sentence.

  • Ella

    Call me crazy, but I go to my gym about 4 nights a week and I pretty much see average-weight, moderately fit people just in their own world on their headphones.

  • David

    I love how people read something and then only comment to complain. Very brave, people of the internet….very brave. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      cool story bro

  • Derek

    “I actually don’t even need to be here, I just needed a reason to walk
    around in my bedazzled sportswear and other things made of shiny latex
    and gold.”

    “And no, you may not get a rep in while I wipe the sweat from my overworked jugular.”

    “So while you may not be able to brag about any other part of your
    current existence, at lease you can complain about it while
    bench-pressing your own weight.”

    “I am going to take my 94-pound frame and work it until it cannot possibly work anymore.”

    “The point is, you need to watch what I’m doing.”

    Seems to me that these are the little grains of truth.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ras-Damha/100002231947890 Ras Damha

    Ummm…I think I read this 10 years ago somewhere…I can’t recall where..
    …oh yeah..
    EVERYWhere

  • Kelsey

    I’m sorry to all of you who found my article, which you read for free and which I wrote for free, to be subpar. I write for fun in my spare time. I sent in exactly one article and exactly one article got published, so I made the mistake of congratulating myself on a job well done. I would be hurt by some of your comments, but I’m 24 and thus off to hang out with real-life friends and have way more sex than you. 

    • Benjy

      Shh shh shh shh…. you’re too cute to feed the trolls.

    • Guest

      Ah habla bil marra

    • SomeGuest

      The knowledge that somewhere out there, a troll just choked, brings me great satisfaction. I loved this article and I love this comment.

    • GVEST

      WAHHH PEOPLE POSTED HONEST REPLIES TO SOMETHING I WROTE. DON’T THEY KNOW I JUST WROTE IT FOR FUNSIES, THAT MEANS IT IS EXEMPT FROM CRITICISM.

  • Fernacular

    nobody needs four cheesy gorditas

  • Vivalaem

    SO TRUE> EVERYONE BELOW ME HAS CLEARLY NEVER BEEN TO A GYM. MAYBE IT’S SPECIFIC TO COLLEGE GYMS

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