I’m Not The Problem. You Are.

image - Flickr / Leah Love
image – Flickr / Leah Love

At first I thought that something was wrong with me. That I wasn’t good enough, that my anxiety was too much to handle, that I was an emotional wreck, that I was too ugly. Anything that could possibly be so wrong with me, that would cause someone to leave so abruptly and without care, ran through my mind. I wasn’t necessarily upset, I spent about ten minutes crying and then continued on with my life, which was a surprise to me because I was expecting to spend days in depression. but i was nonetheless confused. I didn’t know why you left, and I didn’t know why I felt so much relief from it.

It’s been a few months now, only about three (even though it feels a lot longer) and I no longer have any confusion, or any other negative emotion, toward the situation.

There was nothing wrong with me. There was something wrong with you.

You got into a relationship with me knowing that you had a heroin addiction and that I didn’t. You shot up in front of me every single day, and you shot me up for my first time. While that was my choice to shoot up, it was also your choice. You chose to do heroin in front of me every single day, you chose to put that needle in my arm for the first time and for many times after that, and you chose to do all of this while knowing how terrible an addiction was. No one would ever do that to someone that they loved.

At first I saw nothing wrong with this. Nothing wrong with you, nothing wrong with us. But eventually our relationship became toxic. While overlooking our addiction problem, I didn’t overlook how emotionally abusive you were to me. And I certainly wasn’t the only person that saw it. But I’m sure that to this day, you still would never admit you were emotionally abusive to me. You’d never admit how problematic you were, because you probably don’t even realize it. You would blame it on me, just like you blame everything else on all of your exes.

But really, the problem is you. You are just a terrible, terrible person and I’ve come to realize that. I don’t hate you, I don’t want to seek revenge upon you, I don’t have any resentment toward you, I just realize how shitty you are. You had such a negative impact upon my life for the months that we were together, that it’s kind of impossible to never think about it and think about how much better my life would be if you had never entered it.

You got me addicted to a drug and at the end of the relationship, knowing how dependent I was upon it, because of you, you just up and left me because I couldn’t get clean. And you didn’t care whatsoever how I felt about that, and how hard I was trying to keep you in my life. But I’m glad you didn’t care. Because it made me a much stronger person. And when you left, I was happier than I ever was while I was with you.

And this note isn’t anger, it isn’t anything. It’s simply me giving the closure to myself that you could never give me. TC mark

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