This is for all the girls out there who reevaluate why they ever got on Tinder once they realize their Tinder match sucks in person.
1. He hasn’t been on Facebook since 2012.
You know that one picture where he’s at the beach and his Channing Tatum abs are glistening in the sun? You’ve taken a screenshot of it and sent it to all of your friends because hello, this guy thinks you’re hot, too. So no wonder we’re surprised when you greet us with an extra 50 pounds and a beard that makes me question if you are part of the Duck Dynasty cast. With Tinder being synced with Facebook, it’s clear that this dude hasn’t updated his photos on his Facebook in a quite a few years. While the babe at the beach in 2012 is a swipe right, unfortunately it’s just not going to work out between us anymore. Am I vain? Maybe, but we did meet on Tinder after all.
2. He’s short.
Way shorter than you thought. He sees you waiting for him at the coffee shop and you’re suddenly having a mini freak-out because when he goes in for a hug, he’s meeting the twins for the first time. Suddenly you feel really fat and big around him because you’re not used to talking to someone below your eye level. He has you rethinking all of his pictures, wondering if he surrounds himself with shorter people on purpose. The whole time you’re looking around, suddenly self-conscious that the whole coffee shop is staring at the vertically mismatched couple. You hope he doesn’t take it personally in the long run; it’s just that leaning down to kiss a guy isn’t how you roll.
3. He’s actually really boring.
He was Mr. Chatterbox sending you paragraphs of messages and emjois, but in person he’s stiff in his chair, avoiding eye contact with you. It’s clear he has more game on his iPhone screen than he does in person, and it’s also clear that he probably doesn’t go on dates often. With awkward silences leaving both of you wondering how you can casually get up to leave, this was a Tinder date that needed to end. You unmatched him as soon as you got in your car.
4. He really needs a girlfriend.
He’s having his mid-20s life crisis where he’s out of college and his parents are bugging him about getting a girlfriend. He’s already stuck in the work scene, and he feels like he doesn’t have time to meet someone without Tinder’s help. When you meet, he’s all too eager in everything you’re saying, and he’s already planning the next date where you meet his parents. He jokes that he would never tell people how you guys met and that he doesn’t really take Tinder seriously. This is when you abort pronto. His relationship urgency leaves you wondering if he might pop the question on the next date, and you’re suddenly content with being single.
5. He’s a Tinder Thot.
You’re his third date of the week, and he tells you he has another one later that night. He’s on his phone the whole time, and when you take a peek you see that he’s swiping away on that stupid app. He’s quick to find the next match, and you’re suddenly sitting there questioning your own existence as he tries thinking of the funniest pick-up line to shoot at the next girl. He is all about the chase, and once he gets you, the game is no longer fun. Although his motives are unclear, what is clear is that he suddenly isn’t as charming as he first was when he messaged you that cute compliment about your eyes.
6. He’s in it for the sex.
I mean, that’s why people get Tinder, right? He probably invited you to come over and “chill” and watch Netflix. Excited that he put on Orange is the New Black, you’re suddenly wondering why the space between you is growing smaller as he starts kissing your neck and distracting you from your show. Next thing you know, you’re sneaking out of his room in the morning, fully aware of the stares you’re getting from his roommates as you take the Walk of Shame. It leaves you wondering if sex was really what you wanted out of it all along, but as you wait for a text message you’ll never get, you realize that you just survived your first Tinder hookup. When you next check your Tinder, you’ll find out that he probably unmatched you first. Don’t take it personally; he’s just your typical Tinder fuckboy.
7. Your expectations were too high.
You have idolized his Tinder pictures for far too long and you can’t stop talking about him to your friends. He’s your dream guy! You’re soon day-dreaming about introducing him to your parents. Yet when the day finally comes for you to meet him, you’re struck hard with disappointment when he doesn’t fit the vision you had of him in you’re head and you have to mentally break up with him when he doesn’t meet your Ryan Gosling criteria.