Throughout the past year I swayed through non-committal relationships, was frequently belittled in my career, and pretended I didn’t care when I saw red flags in general. Frankly, I was trying to be a hard-ass. Or at least attempting to convince myself that I could be.
I was taking it in stride and rapidly growing in other departments of my life, and I wouldn’t allow anything to stop me or interrupt my joy. Especially the people who don’t see my worth.
So, I ignored the people who hurt me or let me down. I let it go every time. People told me I had the patience of a saint and I took pride in that.
Unfortunately, ignoring those people meant detaching myself from the situation as a whole. Which basically meant pretending nothing happened (and eventually blacking it out from my memory). Clearly, this was a protective mechanism to drown out the voice in my head, the one urging me to stand up for myself.
I’d ignore the voice, comforting myself with things like: “Whatever, they’re rude and won’t go far in life with that attitude. That’s their problem to deal with and has nothing to do with me.” But seriously, why the hell didn’t I stand up for myself?
Because I was settling.
I’m not talking about a settlement or a fair trade-off. There was no bargain to be had, no terms to an agreement, no happy-medium. There was no dispute to settle with mutual concessions. This was not a balance of give and take. I was giving. They were taking. It was clear.
We lie to ourselves when we settle. We agree to accept the unacceptable. We lower our standards.
I was afraid. And I was afraid to admit that I was afraid, too. I’ve always known myself to be fearless. I’ve never strayed from my gut before. My subconscious consistently proves to know me best. I view it as my own personal divine built-in navigation system. It’s loyal, dependable, and I swear it has controlled the course of many lives before me.
I sabotaged it. I settled and settled, and I fed it with lies. The poor thing could no longer determine North from South and I was lost without it.
And that’s why I stopped settling. I need that thing, to be up-and-running. So that I can live my life. The right way.