“It’s in a season of solitude where the answers to your questions become clear.” – Amber Khan
As I am writing this, I am beginning to transition into a different phase of life that I did not think that I would have to go through. I am currently going through the breakup process, and it has definitely taken a greater toll on me than I anticipated. It has left me confused and a bit insecure about who I am as a person. Like a lot of people, I am someone who loves being in a relationship with others, meaning I love having people in my life that I can connect to and have shared commonality with. So when it comes to being in a romantic relationship with someone, I truly thrive.
In my previous relationship, it was as easy as breathing. I really thought that this relationship was “the one” and that I wouldn’t ever have to see what I like to call “the shadow of singledom” ever again. Obviously, my relationship ran its course, and the result of that has left me questioning a lot of things. One question I have is, “Can I really be alone again after all this time?” When I asked myself that question, I shuddered at the word “alone.” I don’t like that word. It feels so isolated to me, and the phrase “being alone” is the exact opposite of the phrase “being in a relationship,” and being in a relationship is what I am really, really good at.
After a few days of being stuck on the word “alone,” I asked myself more questions. Why am I scared of being alone? Why is my generation scared of being alone? Because I can’t be the only one who feels this way. Why don’t we embrace being alone more? I came to the revelation after pondering those questions that maybe I should be embracing this time that I get all to myself. I am by no means looking or ready for another relationship at this point in my life. In fact, I will be actively avoiding being in another romantic relationship for quite some time, so why not fully give in to this new season of aloneness?
When I think about my adult dating life, I don’t believe I have ever given myself time between relationships to focus solely on me and what I wanted to do. There would be times when I would be forced to focus on myself but I would never embrace it because I would try to be onto the next as quickly as possible, so I could have a distraction from the hurt I was feeling. This year, I made the promise to myself to do things that I have never done before, and this seems like the first opportunity for me to be able to do so. I am uncertain how this season will unfold for me, but my desire to really get in touch with myself supersedes the feeling of being afraid of what is to come.
As I embark on this journey, I know that I will be faced with times where being alone might feel lonely. However, I do believe in the saying “alone but not lonely,” and I plan to keep that saying near to me as I go about my new way of life. I don’t know how long this season of my life will last, but I do know that in every season there is a lesson to be learned, and I will be fully embracing it.