First off let me say, this isn’t meant to bash you. There was a time which you gave me so much love and respect. I can’t begin to thank you enough for that. However, all good things come to an end.
Treating me how I deserved must have been one of them.
I’ll never forget the first time I met you. My friends and I were driving around and for whatever reason we picked you up. I turned around to face you in the backseat and I felt my heartbeat gradually pick up. Your bright green eyes shined in the street lights that were glistening into the car, your hair was mangled from lying in bed, and you smelled of something warm and musky. I remember feeling speechless at first glimpse of you. I’d always seen you around, but I never noticed how utterly stunning you were.
I made the first move and was rewarded with a date with you. I remember dancing around my room, so excited that I was getting a chance with you. We went out for ice cream and drove around afterwards. After returning home from that first date, I began placing all illusions of how amazing we would be, the kids, the house, our future together.
I never considered the horrible ending that would come.
Quickly fall became winter, and winter became summer. I’ll never forget the summer we had together. Although we were dating, it felt like a summer fling from a movie. We’d go on late night adventures, spend time at your cabin, look up at the stars, and discuss our future plans. I had never felt so much love, fire, and warmth in my heart. I had fallen in love with you.
So much so, I didn’t see the warning signs.
I would lay my heart out in love notes, and they’d be forgotten. I would plan out interesting dates to keep the spark going, but more than half the time I would be ditched because you rather have been with your friends. My big dreams for us would be ignored because you were uncertain of me.
I gave you all of me, only to receive parts of you.
I will never forget the tears I cried over you, the aching in my body wondering why you wouldn’t love me, going through my mind trying to understand why I didn’t deserve your love, and the emptiness I felt after making love because I felt it was the only act I could give you that you would even slightly appreciate.
You blamed my feelings on my anxiety, asking if I had taken my meds that day, or that I needed to go up a dosage. You failed to consider how poorly you treated me. What I needed was respect, reassurance, and kindness from you. You were my first choice, I was merely a backup plan for you. I was never a priority, I felt more as a burden for you.
Two years down the road, you gave me a promise ring. I remember the excitement I felt because I figured this was it. This was you changing, you would begin to appreciate me, love me, and finally treat me better. I remember showing the ring off to my friends and being so proud to be clearly branded by you.
Then two days later, you broke it off.
No explanation, no reasoning, I was given nothing. I had no choice but to move on.
And so I did.
I was told by a coworker one time that everyone is bound to fall in love with someone who won’t love them back. They just can’t, and they just won’t. You were that person. But fortunately, because you wouldn’t give me a reason, I made one for myself.
The reasoning was, I don’t deserve to be a backup plan. I don’t deserve to come second to a gaming counsel. I don’t deserve a love that doesn’t set my soul on fire.
The reason is, I need a love that never stops giving. A love that isn’t conditional on my mood. A love that never stops, even when there’s a rough patch.
So thank you.
If you had never shown me what I didn’t deserve, I’d never learn what I do deserve.