You hurt me today.
You hurt me not only as my mother, but also now as my friend.
In so many times in my life have I come to you for guidance, support, or if anything, just to be there and listen.
I have ignored the fact that you have hurt me time and time again in moments where I truly needed you.
I let it all go.
But today, you reopened the wound made up of all these painful moments that I had carefully sealed away.
I had stitched the wounds you have given me with the dirty and tattered string I was barely strong enough to hold together.
I dug into my own skin to mend the pain of not having you around.
I struggled in sealing my open tears, telling myself that once they become shut, I will heal, and I will forgive you.
I did forgive you – or at least, I thought I had.
In the past year we have gotten closer, and I opened up to you.
I had taken you to anything and everything I could possibly take you to.
I had listened to you tell me these boring stories, and I engaged in what you found fun. I introduced you to my friends, the love of my life, and the most importantly, the real me.
I felt closer than ever.
But today I called you with such passion, excitement and joy; only to have you crush me in one phone call.
I found myself questioning why that phone call broke me into pieces when I know I am stronger than that…
And the truth is, I should have never forgiven you.
I knew better.
As a child, I became strong in knowing that when you weren’t there, I had to be.
I grew into this resilient person who can brush the water off my back because there were times where I would have drowned holding onto useless emotion that came so close to taking me under.
I have fought through my own insecurities which were built upon our broken relationship.
I made it through, without you.
As an adult, I hoped things would have been different.
I hoped that as I got my life together, as I grew into a healthy adult who was free from your responsibility, maybe
it would be ok.
I dreamed that once I could free you financially from me, that maybe we could get closer.
I believed that deep inside you were a good person, who could love her daughter, and support me as I figure this out.
I was wrong.
Our mother daughter relationship was long over, but I did not want to let you go. I feared it would make me just as bad as you, if I too gave up on us.
I could not have been more wrong, as letting you go might be the best thing I can ever do.
I lost my mother, but I am choosing to lose this friend.
I do not want this anymore.
I do not want to worry about how we’ll workout, or the fear that I might let you down. I cannot ask myself to go through these emotional rollercoasters which come with your relationship.
I am giving you back this pass for unlimited rides, because now, I want off.
I lost my mother a very long time ago, I know now there is nothing I can ever do to bring her back.
You and I will never be those girls in the street, best friends and loyal secret holders. We will never be rocks to which we can rely on when one needs strength and stability.
And now, I know that we will also never be friends, as I have come to realize, I cannot handle what you bring.
I am strong, but not strong enough.
So goodbye mother, and goodbye new friend.
I have never thought I would come to this point, but here I am.
I no longer feel weak for letting us go, but instead I feel strong for being able to take care of myself.
Today you hurt me for the last time.
I hope you know, it’s time for me to let you go.