Man crushes – you all have them. You probably even have one on an NFL player. It’s totally cool though. They’re dudes. You’re a dude. It’s just one straight dude admiring another straight dude for being such a dude. I get it. There’s nothing weird about it at all. As “not weird” as it is already, I’m about to make it even “not weirder”… because I care.
Have you ever wondered which of your favorite NFL players would make the worst girlfriends? Are you wondering now? You’re welcome.
Here’s my list of the worst “girlfriends” in the NFL based solely on their on-field performance. In the first installment of what is sure to be an unforgettable series that will probably make you question my mental state and possibly your own sexuality, I’ll be ranking starting quarterbacks, because who doesn’t want to take all the guys playing the position considered the most important in American football and give them all vaginas?
Part of me feels like when T.I. wrote “No Mediocre,” he wrote it with Joe Flacco as a basic bitch who wanted to be his girlfriend in mind. I understand that the guy somehow manages to play one or two great games a year, whatever, but do you really want to stay with your girlfriend because she gives you two fantastic blowjobs a year? I don’t think so. Plus, he’s already on his period like 27 days out of a 28-day cycle and he doesn’t even have a uterus, so that’s something to consider.
You know how much you hated it when every single girl you’ve ever dated quoted Marilyn Monroe in her Facebook status mid-argument with you? Well, who better to embody your favorite stereotypical white girl quote, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best” than the other Manning brother? No, not the one everyone forgot even exists.
You know that really hot girl who is so used to being praised for every single thing she’s ever done? The one who is so much better than you and she knows it, so of course she is a total bitch to you every chance she gets? That’s Tom Brady as your girlfriend.
Colin Kaepernick is the girl who your friends talk about being so great and you begrudgingly agree with them while they’re saying it, but internally, you just want to shake each and every single one of them and scream “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?” I get it, he has a lot of great qualities that should make him the ideal quarterback/girlfriend, but somehow, just when you start to believe he’s the one you’ve been waiting for, he manages to throw three interceptions and give up a double-digit lead against the Bears/fuck your roommate.
Also, I know I said this would be based purely on athletic performance but seriously, who the hell needs that many shoes?
Sure, bad decisions are great when you’re both just looking to have a good time, but do you really want a girlfriend who makes them constantly? Jay Cutler’s career has not only been marked by him consistently making bad decisions, those decisions have also often had serious consequences for his team. Your best friend is probably going to eventually be one of those bad decisions and you really don’t want to end up being the godfather to your girlfriend’s serious consequence, bro.
Worst Back-Up QB Girlfriend: CHRISTIAN PONDER
Christian Ponder is the “Fine, whatever” girl on this list. Sure, on the surface, it seems great to think about a girl who will just walk away from an argument and act like its no big deal, but think about it in the context of the 2012 playoffs. Christian Ponder decided to sit out during the Wild Card Game because apparently he was injured all of a sudden (Does anyone even know what was wrong with him? No? Still?) and, instead of even making an effort, the Vikings had to rely on back-up quarterback, Joe Webb. Ponder is the girlfriend who will break-up with you when you forget to tell her you like her outfit and then call you the next day like nothing happened, expecting you two to still be dating. No guy in his right mind wants to date that girl.
*I really wanted to use Michael Vick for this one but I said I would base this list solely on each quarterback’s on-field performance and he’s never, ever on the field because I’m pretty sure he injures himself watching the Draft every year reaching for the remote.