1. They Live In A Real House
Just look at the size of this place! You know that crappy apartment you’re all proud of because you were finally able to rent something without a co-signer? Yeah, you could fit four of those into your parents’ house. Their ridiculous over-consumption has made them the first generation in history projected to be better off than their kids, which means their spot will probably always be nicer than yours. The boomers completely screwed you. Pay them back by sprawling out over every inch of their obnoxious eighteen hundred square feet of space.
2. The Food
Your parents don’t subsist on Diet Coke and a menu drawer. They actually take the time to go to a place called the grocery store. And it’s not like the crappy bodega you shop at. The one they frequent is three football fields long and carries sixteen brands of frozen pizza. This means that their kitchen isn’t unlike a bunker primed for fifty years of nuclear fallout. Just look at the snack cabinet. There’s three different kinds of Triscuits in there! Start eating the second you walk through the door and don’t stop until their fridge looks like yours does.
3. The Family Dog
Sure you’ve got a cat at home or some bullshit Pomeranian that only requires enough space to spin around in a circle eight hundred times while nipping at your ankles, but your parents have a DOG. A real one too, like that fetches tennis balls and tree stumps and will fuck a person up if they look at you sideways. The family dog loves you and it always wants to play. You get to walk it and run with it and roll all around on the ground and you know where you get to do this?
4. The Yard
Oh look, you put a plant and a wind chime and some Christmas lights on your fire escape. Isn’t that cute? No! It’s pathetic! You’re dying for some outdoor action and you know where you can find it? In your parents’ yard. Either one of them. That’s right, there’s two! The front yard AND the back yard. There’s even a porch with this little thing that tells you how warm it is, since you’ll be spending more than the time it takes to walk from your apartment to the subway, outside. So grab a drink and some Triscuits and put your feet in a patch of grass that doesn’t belong to an over crowded, cordoned off section of Central Park. Speaking of which…
5. The Bar
You fancy yourself a drinker but the bar at your parents’ house puts the quarter bottle of Stoli you keep in your freezer to shame. Unlike you, your mom and dad have their lives together, so they stock the kind of liquor that can make actual cocktails. Your dad’s not mixing his vodka with Vitamin Water Zeros. If it’s a hot summer day, he’s got Peach Fuzzes churning in a blender, a fall afternoon and White Russians are on the way. By the time your visit’s over, you’ve experimented with more alcohol combinations than Miley Cyrus on her 9th birthday. So make the most of it, because it’s the only place that someone like you is going to be offered a digestif after dinner.
6. Sneaking Cigarettes
In real life when someone offers you a cigarette you have to tow the line and be all “Ew no! I quit nine months ago!” At your parents’ house however, you can’t help but revert back to being a sixteen-year-old and chase after your brother when you see him make a subtle exit out the back door. There’s a bond among smokers at family functions that is not to be missed. The only difference is that now instead of a Parliament, all of you are sharing an E-cig.
7. The Washer And Dryer
You just splattered tomato sauce on a white t-shirt, tooth paste on your favorite hoodie. At home you’ll go without those garments for a week because that’s how long it takes to make it to the laundromat. Not at your parents’ place though! If you fuck up your favorite pair of jeans two hours before you’re supposed to go out, no need to panic. Why? Because there’s a washer and dryer IN the house. In fact, there’s a whole room dedicated to just the laundry! How crazy is that? You can wash one thing at a time if you want! Just don’t tell your dad cause he’ll freak about the water waste. Plus, look at all these crazy cleaning products that you have no idea how to use! Does anyone know what the hell a scotch guard is? Probably not. But it’s right there at your disposal, just waiting for you to drool red wine all over yourself.
8. The Nostalgia
Your parents love you. So all over their house, be it in corners of rooms that are used by only family, like the mud room or pantry, there are remnants of a childhood past. Your childhood. That’s right, the crappy painting that won honorable mention in Mr. Williams’ fifth grade art class or the eagle that you carved and lacquered onto a piece of ply wood in technology. They’re still kicking around. Not to mention certificates of minor accomplishments and photos of you in all kinds of sports. For you, taking a stroll through your parents’ basement is like doing a virtual walk of fame, however for them, it’s most likely a bittersweet reminder of a time when they thought you had potential.
9. Your Parents
At some point, if you’re lucky, there comes a time in your life when you discover that your parents are not just your mom and dad, but actual people too. They lived a whole life before you showed up just to let them know how “embarrassing” they are and the older you get, the more you appreciate them as fellow human beings. Whereas you used to find them supremely corny, your parents are now two of the most hilarious people you know. Every day you spend at your parents’ place is one more chance to get to know who they really are, or even better, who they were before you came around and ruined them for good.
1. Dad Cable
You’ve spent all day eating and drinking to the point of exhaustion. Now you just want to lay down and relax with some TV when you come across this nonsense. What does it all even mean? Their setup is nothing like the one you have at home. There’s at least four remotes to navigate, one of which is probably to a VCR and the channel selection is daunting at best. You father runs around the house shutting off every light you leave on, just to save six cents a month on the electric bill. You think he’s springing for HBO? All in all, your visit to your parents’ house has been the best, but at the end of the day, if anyone wants you, you’ll be upstairs watching Netflix on your computer.