The other day I was watching Resident Evil and there was this scene where Milla Javavgavgsava (whatever her name is) was running in slow motion down a hallway in a long red dress (I think it was red, could have been white) simultaneously flipping her hair and cocking a gun and I was like, daaaaaaaaaamn. (wouldn’t it be funny if I just ended the post there?) Anyway, I was watching this scene and something, some little blood vessel or nerve in my brain popped out the thought “this is what a sexy lady should be like.” This thought led into a series of a lot of other thoughts on what exactly makes a lady sexy. I mean, on any given day I am flooded with images that give me lady boners, and yet if asked, I’m not sure I could really describe all of the elements that must be present in order for me, or I guess anyone, to look at something and be like “I would totally hit that.” Ewww, I’ve never used that expression before. I just tried it out and I don’t think I’ll be doing it again.
I’m gonna try to work it out here with you, as like a social exercise. What I’m going to do is list a few things that I think help to make a woman sexy, and then attempt to further analyze them. As I’m doing this, I’m waiting for it to stop raining so I can go to the bank. Ready, Here we gooooooooooo.
Upon dating someone new, I’m going to just start purchasing a few pairs of seamed stockings and being like, “please wear these whenever possible.” Some stockings look retarded, like if they are lace, or have some weird pattern, but if they are just simple stockings with a black seam running up the back of them, they will automatically up the babe factor of whoever’s wearing them. Why is this? It’s something having to do with the seam itself, like it in some way implies that the person wearing them might own a leather paddle. The seam is also like an arrow pointing upwards like, “hey, there’s a vagina up there.” I don’t know.
If a girl is just flipping her hair to get it out of her eyes, or out of her food or something, it doesn’t count. Sexy hair flips seem to be intentional. Some good examples are like if you’re walking with a girl and she gets up ahead of you a little bit, and then turns to look over her should and BAM does a hair flip. Or if you’re having sex and the girl is on top and flips her hair for some reason. It’s on purpose, right? How do you know how to do that so well? Is it practiced? Not sure why this is so effective. Probably because the hair flips are usually accompanied by sort of an intense facial expression, which gives off a vibe of confidence, and confidence is sexy.
That one was easy. I think I can say I successfully figured that one out.
This is controversial and I know that a lot of people probably just read that and made some sort of barfing noise, or a general noise of distaste. However, I think it’s hot when girls smoke. As long as they don’t LOOK like they smoke. Do you know what I mean? Like if they have yellow teeth and are real stinky, that’s no good. For me the ideal smoking lady looks like Jackie O and just lounges around all day in tight sweaters with a cig hanging from her well-manicured fingers. Why is this sexy? Smoking is obviously bad for you, and it really does make a person smell, BUT it also adds the perfect amount of “I don’t give no kind of shits” to a person’s attitude. You know? So what does that say? That I’m attracted to assholes? Pretty much.
There are a lot more, but this is a good start and I think we made some real progress. Scanning over what’s written here, I can conclude that I’m attracted to dramatic girls who may or may not work part time as stunt women in high budget action movies. You know, as you get older, the most important thing is getting to know yourself, and like, who you are and stuff. Thank you for helping me on this journey.